Wednesday, March 28, 2012

And then FWiG answered the phone


Hi. Somebody called me?

Is that right.

Yeah. Somebody called me from this number.

Not me.


That's my number.

Somebody called at 2:45 from your number.

Well. It wasn't me.

I assume it was about lawn care.

Well. This is a townhouse and the management cares for the lawns here; not the tenants.

So somebody wanted a quote maybe?

No. I don't think so.

Oh, no?

We're tenants. We don't care for the lawns. We wouldn't want a quote. Only the management would maybe want a quote and they have their own phone. They wouldn't use mine. So...


So, are we done?

Maybe someone called the wrong number?

Yeah. I think that's it. I think I must have dialed the wrong number when I was making phone calls at 2:45.

Oh. Okay.

Are we done now?


Goodbye now.


Isn't it amazing the things that we human beings accomplish when we get together? It's these summits of massive intelligence such as this that prove to me that there is a Sky God smiling down at us from the glittery heavens. Only an omnipotent Sky God could possibly design such incredible creatures as human beings. We're just so fucking intelligent you know it had to be a fucking amazing God who put us together. I'm sure he spent an entire afternoon at it too. I'm sure he didn't just pump us out in between the oppossum and the dung beetle. I'm sure we weren't some kind of five-minute job. He must have really thought about us carefully 'cause we're just so amazing. Just look at us: Telephones... Lawn care... I just want to run to the nearest temple and sing a fucking Holy Hosannah or two. You know?

[Editor's note: Um... Can you maybe leave this in edit mode for now? Until we can have a little talk?]

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

My favorite cubist

Remember Skeeter Willis? I keep inviting people to join me at my blog who are too talented not to have their own space. Anyways, go visit my friend at Chez Skeeter. Go on now. Go. Do it.


Monday, March 26, 2012

Noo-noos and dooeys and other labels

As I sit down to write the blog entry that must so obviously follow my last blog entry, I feel sadly unmotivated. This idea has been creeping around in my head lately that yet another reason why normal contemporary human interactions are marked by such woefully small uses of intelligence has to do with efficiency; that use of intelligence is somehow, instinctively, a costly exercise and that people who don't interpret something as a problem for themself are naturally inclined not to spend any precious "intelligence units" dealing with it.

I think the following topic might actually be a great example with which to test that idea if only it would generate enough blog comments to provide some measure of evidence.

But no matter. Let me take a deep breath and persist:

I challenge you to grasp the following scenario: I walk into a restaurant with my friend Mary. Mary, we all presume, has a vagina and is officially recorded as being of the female gender in the records of all relevant governmental and socio-economic schemes.

We sit down and we both order steak.

The waiter asks how we would like our steaks cooked.

I immediately leap to my feet, cast my napkin at the floor and shout, "How dare you insult us! Can't you see I am a man! Can't you see this is a woman! Obviously men eat their steak medium rare and women eat their steak well done! How dare you question our normalcy! DO YOU SUSPECT WE ARE PERVERTS!"

Now. Is my reaction intelligent? Is my reaction logical? Is my reaction sane? Or should I be quietly ushered off to a psychiatric hospital at this point?

Okay, back up and let me offer a more responsible reaction:

The waiter asks how we would like our steaks cooked and I cordially reply, "Oh, we're both meatlinear. But thank you for asking."

The waiter then smiles and departs, understanding of course that I want my steak medium rare and Mary wants hers well done, just as he would have guessed, knowing that meatlinear people are in the majority and meatgiddy people (men who prefer well-done steak and women who prefer medium rare) are in the minority of 10% or so!

Does this scenario sound much more intelligent? Much more logical? Much more sane?

What? No?

But scenarios alike either of these are played out every day all over this continent (and others I assume) by damn near every single person, I would wager. But instead of steak preference it is used in terms of sexual preference or "sexual orientation".

The problem with the above scenarios is that there is of course no correlation between gender and how you like your steak cooked except that if someone did a study you would inevitably find some pattern because it is mathematically impossible not to.

But what people so hysterically find impossible to grasp, is that there is no correlation either, between which brand of dingly-doodle one carries between their legs and which brand one prefers their bed-partners to come equipped with, except that if someone did a study (hmm.. Kinsey?) he would inevitably find a pattern because it is again impossible not to.

Now, is anyone already thinking I'm wrong, that there is a big difference between sex and steak (I enjoy both equally, by the way); because genitals and meat are two different things (if you ignore the obvious joke) while genitals and genitals are the same thing?

They are not the same thing. That is soft thinking. What you have and what you want are two different concepts. Apples and oranges.

Any person actually has a plethora of sexual preferences at once. You can't just give a "straight" man a vagina in a jar and he'll be happy. There are untold factors to his preferences of varying significance, much of which can not be quantified, verbalized or perhaps even consciously recognized.

My point, by the way, is that such labels as gay and straight are a wild aberration from normal thinking and from scientific process, not that they offend me or that I'm militantly against their use (though I can not think of myself as "gay" or "straight" - the idea feels stupid) but that this social peculiarity is a very significant phenomena which the average person seems unable to even comprehend, despite it being a matter of simplest logic. And I say this only because every time I've broached the subject in conversation, people who otherwise get away with being viewed as intelligent just stare at me like I'm an alien... Who has just double-dipped his potato chip... In the punch bowl...

Normal scientific process labels things based primarily on what they are, not on combinations of arbitrary conditions, and socially we copy this method.

By normal scientific process we would label all people who sexually prefer males "male-lovers" or whatever fancy word and all people who prefer females "female-lovers" or whatever. The idea that our primary label is derived through the arbitrary condition of one's own gender is wildly unscientific and no more sane or logical than saying that blond people who like women are called "straight" and dark-haired people who like men are called "gay" or perhaps "wiggly".

People who like medium-rare steak are just called "people who like medium-rare steak" and there is no thought to any conditions, gender-wise or else-wise because, and this is my main point: We are as a society and as individuals massively deluded by sexual superstitions and not so much by meat superstitions.

Unfortunately it is pointless to demonstrate the astounding reality of our sexual confusion because my motives will be misperceived and rather than understood as a man just sick of all the bullshit I'll just be suspected seven kinds of pervert. So why even go there?

I have a feeling I've never met a human being entirely free of superstition nor any human being capable of recognizing their own superstitions for what they are.

Am I the exception? How could I know for sure! I know that for the first 30-odd years of my life that almost everything I believed was crap and then I literally started over as an integral seeker of truth.

Now... what is your argument?

That gender "orientation" is not a preference; that there is no choice in the matter? That's fine. But same with steak. There is no choice in that matter either. You like it one way and not the other for reasons that connect in your non-conscious mind. Both are indeed preferences.

But the 90% straight rule is consistent! There is some kind of meaning there! No. There are mathematical patterns to steak preference or any other preference if you care to do the field research. There are multiple components to these and most other preferences. It is no wonder that cross-gender attractions are the more common when you realize that a large component of sexual attraction stems from fascination with the unfamiliar. Societal customs dictate that we spend more time naked with our own self and with people of the same gender. Need evidence here? Foot fetishes are wildly common in North America where people's feet are largely hidden from view in shoes, and almost non-existent in warm nations where people's feet are exposed in sandals daily.

Okay but "straight" longings are normal and other longings charitably tolerated (or not, in many cases) and we know this because straight couplings make BABIES which is a VERY BIG DEAL and essential to survival of the human race! SO THERE...! Wrong. Not a big deal. Water is essential to all of life on this planet but that does not make it a perversion when oxygen or hydrogen blend with other elements to form materials other then water.

I could go on predicting what the soft arguments would be and pre-emptively axe them in this space but I'd rather stop here and go to bed, frankly.

If you understand my point despite my less than ingenious attempt to explain it then that is much to your credit, I would say. But I suspect that most people are so enslaved by the pressures of survival instinct to be socially normal that you are being prohibited from doing the math!

I would love to hear from you whether you "get" what I'm saying. Or if you still think I'm wrong, I'd love to hear why!

This is very abnormal, I know, but truly I take great delight in discovering flaws in my own thinking but also it is my responsibility to point out a flaw in your own comment if applicable!


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 14: One confession

Hold on to your hats folks.

My confession is in regards to... sexual orientation!

Are you ready for this?

I am attracted to...

Are you sure you're ready for this?

I mean, REALLY sure?

Brace yourself...

I am attracted to...

Skin and bones.

Exactly like everyone else.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Day 13: Two images that describe your life and why

1. My home.

2. My deal: Trying to turn lead hearts into gold.

Day 12: Describe your ultimate perfect weekend from Friday night through Sunday.

I would spend my perfect weekend with someone special and it would look something like this. I've decided to be as honest as I can. Sorry about your luck.


6:00 PM - arrive in Montreal. Check into hotel.

6:30 PM - censored.

9:00 PM - dinner at Gibby's: steak, red wine etc.

11:30 PM - censored.


9:00 AM - censored.

12:30 PM - lunch at Shwartz Delicatessan: Montreal smoked meat on rye.

2:00 PM - liesurely walk to hotel; some book shopping.

6:30 PM - censored.

9:00 PM - dinner at Gibby's: steak, red wine etc.

11:30 PM - censored.


9:00 AM - censored.

12:30 PM - lunch at Shwartz Delicatessan: Montreal smoked meat on rye.

2:00 PM - liesurely walk to hotel; some music shopping.

6:30 PM - censored.

9:00 PM - dinner at Gibby's: steak, red wine etc.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Day 11: Build your dream home. Describe it room by room

Well... This is my idea at the moment:

It is a lodge of log-cabin construction with covered wrap-around porch on three sides with gatherings of Muskoka chairs and porch swings.

Inside, the great room stretches 2-and-3/4 stories
to the roof. A twenty-seater dining table dominates the room with fireplace, windows on three sides and original artwork covering the walls; all created by people who have stayed here. Balconies look onto the great room from all sides.

A hallway leads first to the kitchen and pantry and then to the music studio and print room.

Stairs lead up to the second floor quad balcony which centres 11 modest bedrooms and a comfy interview room and wall space for more original art.

More stairs ascend to the attic cigar lounge lined with comfortable couches, large venting skylights, a humidor, bar and 6-foot telescope.

And everywhere are guests; people who need a place to stay while they contemplate and share ideas regarding the changes that need to be made to their lives, and while they create, or else re-learn to create.

Day 10: Three turn-offs

1. Bad-behavior stories. Yes, yes, yes, I know you're better than everyone else already...

2. Self pity. Most people have no idea how good they've got it.

3. Automobiles. A premium example for each of the top twenty things most fucked up about human society.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Day 9: Four turn-ons (interpret as you wish).

1. humility

2. open-mindedness

3. skepticism

4. A thick juicy tender 20-oz steak with mashed potatoes and asparagus all covered in garlic, pepper, salt and butter plus a bottle or few of Shiraz and maybe a Yorkshire pudding and then some premium organic fair-trade bird-friendly coffee with super rich cream and then a big fat Arturo Fuente Opus X cigar and a few shots of 18-year-old single malt scotch.

And if you think numbers 2 and 3 are mutually exclusive, think again.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Day 8: Five ways to win your heart.

This should be easy:

1. save me from an evil dragon
2. win a jousting tournament held in my honour.
3. Okay.. let's start over:

1. be a misfit; abhor normal.
2. seek reality
3. be courageous
4. be compassionate
5. or... just be young and gorgeous and I'll delude myself that you are all the rest.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Day 7: Six things you wish you’d never done.

In reality I would not change a thing as I can not possibly track the countless twists of causality that would alter who I am today as a result. But if I must examine events worthy of regret it would be so:

1. Killing all the gym lights during the high school band performance. How long can an orchestra continue playing in the dark, you ask? About 3 seconds and for the last 2 of those, it fails to resemble the intended song. Now you know.

2. Sending JN (an ex) the letter.

3. blindly assuming I wanted all the normal things that normal people want.

4. Jumping the 12' fence.

5. Assembling a very impressive unpaid parking ticket collection. Postage stamps might have been less problematic ultimately.

6. Ordering steak at Montana's last night. They're now 0 for 3 on steaks. This time though, I allowed them to take it off the bill. Resolved: I will order ought but their ribs henceforth.

So there.


Cover: Slip Slidin' Away

This song really speaks to me. I've tried to explore it in a way that reveals how I feel about it.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Day 6: Seven things that often cross your mind.

1. I am an alien.

2. I am running behind on nearly every project.

3. I am free, by most accounting.

4. Food is delicious,

5. Um.. This one's none of your damn business.

6. I need to write.

7. I'm old/tired/fat (circle any)


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Day 5: You win five million in the lottery. How do you spend it?

This is tough. I've been asked this before and I think my answer's been very different every time. Here's how I feel today. I'm assuming the award is after taxes.

gift to parents - 500,000

gift to brother - 200,000

gifts to other friends, family - 200,000

payoffs to shallow money-grubbing associates: "Take this and get out of my life and don't come back asking for more or I will have you killed and bribe the judge not to put me in jail." - 50,000

bribes to judges - 150,000

bed & breakfast type facility for use by New Day Rising charitable enterprise. - 1,000,000

studio - 45,000

printing press - 35,000

fund: operating expenses for NDR organization - 750,000

fund: other operating expenses - 175,000

fund: personal living expenses - 240,000

flying around money - 25,000

matrix fees - 30,000

other charities - 250,000

socially and environmentally responsible investments - 1,000,000

rainy day savings - 350,000

TOTAL: - 5,000,000

Okay. That felt kind of lame.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Day 4: List your "desert island" top 20 music albums

I have chosen not to include any kind of anthologies. Otherwise they'd nearly all be anthologies. I'd rather honor true albums: songs that were meant to go together. I will attempt to rank them and list them in countdown order.

20. Dark Side of the Moon (1973) Pink Floyd: Perhaps the perfect rock album; every track essential to the whole.

19. The Joshua Tree (1990) U2: As a youth, my favorite album to get slightly drunk in the pitch dark with.

18. Roll The Bones (1991) Rush: Just when I thought the all-out genius days of Rush were well over, they did it once again.

17. One of These Nights (1975) The Eagles: Who could imagine that simultaneous country and disco influences on classic rock would result in such a masterpiece. Better than Hotel California for every conceivable reason.

16. Born In The USA (1984) Bruce Springsteen: One poignant high school anthem after another; All that is awkwardly beautiful and bittersweet about America.

15. Collective Soul (1995) Collective Soul: The most amazing blend of hard-core guitar rifts and sweet melodies. the track When the Water Flows would surely appear on my list of top 20 songs of all time, this being the only such album-song pairing to dually qualify so!

14. Heartbeat City (1984) The Cars: Drive, Magic and every other track each remain a portal to the magic summers of my youth. Goofy gorgeous Ric Ocasek was once the ultimate in cool!

13. Four (1971) Led Zeppelin: What can I say? Totally epic. I assume it's on everyone's list!

12. Brothers in Arms (1985) Dire Straits: Nine gorgeous songs diverse in style yet firmly aligned through emotion and Knofler's trademark minimalist guitar bursts. Spectacular achievement.

11. Money And Cigarettes (1983) Eric Clapton: What do you call this? Country-Folk? It is meat-and-potatoes rhythms with Clapton's comforting voice and trademark squealing guitar. It's the chicken noodle soup of music. Now and then you just need it. (Did I just use conflicting food metaphors? Oh well. It's my blog. I make the rules.)

10. Moving Pictures (1981) Rush: When else has such unconventional genius been so accepted by the masses? On the subsequent tour they sold out Maple Leaf Gardens for three consecutive nights. Has that been done before or since?

9. Fully Completely (1992) The Tragically Hip: One of those rare albums you buy because it has five amazing songs on it, only to discover there are five more tracks on it even more amazing.

8. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1967) The Beatles: There's nothing to say about it that hasn't already been said a thousand times.

7. In The Aeroplane Over The Sea (1998) Neutral Milk Hotel: What an incredibly heavy work. It pushes the limits of their playing ability, of Jeff Mangum's voice and most significantly, it pushes the limits of the transparency one man can make of his own heart. Profoundly emotional and one of the best-selling indie rock albums of all time I would guess (though I really don't know). Thank you Neo!

6. Power Windows (1985) Rush: Yet another masterpiece from start to finish by the transcended band who proved that record labels suck the life out of music, that music critics are petty little bullshitters and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is nothing more than an irrelevant country club.

5. The Wild Hunt (2010) The Tallest Man On Earth: This album may hold an accelerated position currently because we are still in the honeymoon phase. Gorgeous folk guitar combined with an ugly troll voice, totally smacking of Dylan. Wildly beautiful. Thanks again Neo.

4. Grace Under Pressure (1984) Rush: "It's too new-wavy," my more metal-oriented friends said; those who had boarded the Rush bandwagon with Moving Pictures. I didn't care. For a 15-year-old held ransom by the vile governments of the U.S.A. and U.S.S.R. and their spectacular overabundance of cocked and aimed nuclear missiles, this album spoke to me on every level, musically, emotionally and intellectually. An immeasurable impact on my life.

3. Signals (1982) Rush: Seven gripping beautiful songs which still today compel and thrill me and tether me to the 13-year-old boy I was when I acquired it for the first time (on cassette) thirty years ago. Oh my god. Thirty years? Incredible. Oh - plus the odd track "Countdown" which I still fail to appreciate.

2. Who's Next (1971) The Who: All the most amazing Who songs in one place. Could have been reissued as Best of the Who in my humble opinion.

1. A Farewell to Kings (1977) Rush: Genius. Absolute genius if genius has ever existed in the world. Indescribably beautiful.

Friday, March 09, 2012

Day 3: Eight people who mean a lot to you and why

My mom: Best mom in the whole world. Ever. Period. Oh, sorry reader. Did you think maybe that your mom was the best mom in the world? Sorry but no. That privilege is mine.

Paul: We had the most important thing, mom and I, love, when you came along, but little else. You accepted me at once. You provided for us. A good home. Good clothes. Good food. Good times. You taught me excellent lessons seemingly without intention. How to be humble. How to live well within one's limitations. The value in charity. The wisdom in respecting even those persons we are not fond of. I gave up my childhood heroes at once; the very day I realized that I had only one hero.

Porn King: For how many years did we stick together like glue? It's all a blur now. You accepted me during the period of my life when fear and desperation drove me to be too often cunning and controlling. We were there for each other immediately, when needed. We traded favors of any magnitude without hesitation. We guarded each other's secrets. We shared tears and adventures and so much laughter. We trusted each other unwaveringly. We gave each other just what we needed at times. We cleaned up each other's messes and we forgave. Though our interests and habits have diverged and we meet so infrequently at this time, you will always be my best friend; the best I ever could have imagined.

Neo: How does such a potent blend of honesty, humility, curiosity, compassion and intelligence develop in a single young person? You are a wonder. Such precocious writing talent. Such a courageous approach to music. I have such a great hope for the future of our society when I see what you are capable of. Can you even imagine what a tremendous source of inspiration you are? Few people ever access their own individual capacity for genius. But you are on your way. You will change the world for many people.

World Citizen: How often have we met in our adult lives? Perhaps only four or five times? And yet I feel like we have souls connected from some ancient time! But you have that effect on many people, I'll bet. You speak with a voice so gentle it overwhelms. You are the evolved man; a man of the highest order. How the world needs to learn from you. I hope you will always maintain the opportunities to teach!

Robb: I hope you know how much you are liked and respected and appreciated by those whose lives and pursuits you work so hard to nurture. Though I wonder does your generosity go too much appreciated but without that appreciation voiced to you? Let me say that you are not taken for granted. Not by me or those around us. We speak of you often and with great regard. Was it chance or design that you led me to this place where I would discover a part of me which I had no idea existed; a part I now cherish. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

Professor Plonk and Captain Vino: You are such incredibly special friends. You have always been there for me with infinite generosity and unconditional love. You are of a rare rare breed. I adore you both.

How can I pick just eight? Doctor Lock would qualify. So would Rockin' Roddie or MJC. Who else? Tati, Little Brother, all my excellent associates at the SHL. My completely beautiful Nano friends. My grandma and other dear relatives. The I.S. I can't rank these people. I only know that I am among the luckiest persons in the world for all the amazing people who have allowed me into their lives. I love you all madly.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Day 2: Nine things about yourself that might surprise people who think they know you.

1. Inherently I am massively lazy and must constantly create structures to motivate myself. On that note, it is now after midnight and I will backdate this post to make it appear with a March 8 posting date.

2. I like ABBA, albeit in small doses.

3. I am a bastard.

4. I suffer a lot of guilt, eating meat.

5. I have not read Hunger Games. I know. Shocking.

6. I've seen all the Jackass movies and enjoyed them. I realize this means something is wrong with me.

7. I go through red lights at night when the coast is clear.

8. I am about to start a diet. For real this time.

9. I'm nervous in dark basements.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Biodad: I know what haunts you. But there are other ways to defeat your fears. The drinking days are over. Help is available. The choice is yours; to live or die.

Neo: I believe in you. Always.

Jerry: I'm sorry I hurt you - what - 25 years ago? Whether I was right about you or wrong, it never was my place to judge you.

Doctor Lock: Thank you for coaxing the music out of me. You have changed my life profoundly

Mateo Jordache: Get that beautiful #@*%">#@*%>!* album on the damn market before I lose my marbles. I want a copy NOW!

Skeeter: I have a good hunk of respect for you. Any time you want to talk about the dark stuff; I'm there.

Jeff L: I miss your amazing energy. We must get together. Been way too long.

Rockin' Roddie: Thank you for taking a chance on me. It was an amazing time for those six years. I learned a lot about the world and about myself.

Dave: Many compliments are useless to me but you gave me a very fine one indeed. It's good to know I can be an inspiration to friends because my friends certainly inspire me.

Tati: Miss you. I will find a day to come soon. But we should do more than tell stories. You must put me to work!

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Two weeks of reflection

Okay kids. Here's how it goes: You answer one question per day for two weeks. If you have a blog, post it on your blog. If not, use my comments section! I got the bones of this from the Liberal Theologian and then spiced it up by adding the weekend assignments. It looks useful. I will participate also of course. I hope you all participate!

Day 1: Wednesday March 7: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day 2: Thursday March 8: Nine things about yourself that might surprise people who think they know you.

Day 3: Friday March 9: Eight people who mean a lot to you and why (in no particular order).

Day 4: Saturday March 10: List your "desert island" top 20 music albums, or whatever number works for you, preferably in order! Should anthologies qualify? You decide.

Day 5: Sunday March 11: You win five million in the lottery. How, specifically, do you spend (or save) each dollar?

Day 6: Monday March 12: Seven things that often cross your mind.

Day 7: Tuesday March 13: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day 8: Wednesday March 14: Five ways to win your heart.

Day 9: Thursday March 15: Four turn-ons (interpret as you wish).

Day 10: Friday March 16: Three turn-offs.

Day 11: Saturday March 17: Build your dream home. Describe it room by room.

Day 12: Sunday March 18: Describe your ultimate perfect weekend from Friday night through Sunday.

Day 13: Monday March 19: Two images that describe your life right now and why

Day 14: Tuesday March 20: One confession.