Friday, June 26, 2009

Where were you...

You know, whenever people say to me, "Where were you when you heard Kennedy was killed?", I have to say, "Sorry. I wasn't born yet. I wasn't even germinating in momma's tummy yet. I wasn't even a sparkle in some rapist's eye yet. I may posess the wisdom of a two-hundred year old guru, but I'm actually only forty. Kennedy departed six years before I came along."

[Editor's note: No one has ever asked FWG where he was when Kennedy was shot.]

But if Michael Jackson's death is the Kennedy of my generation -

[Editor's note: Not very likely. Half of FWG's friends are cheering, "The PED is DEAD!"]

- then I will not forget where I was. I was on Facebook chatting with Cap'n Vino. Here lies the transcript, forever immortalized:

FWG [is off duty ‘til Monday night!]

coincidence? obviously not.

Cap'n Vino [Wow, Farrah and MJ on the same day?]
I've never really been into it myself, but who am I to judge?

been into what?

Cap'n Vino
ok, I clearly did not get enough sleep.

I was talkin bout MJ and FF

Cap'n Vino
ok, now your comment makes more sense.
add Ed McMahon to the mix and there's your 3.

what about the leblanc guy?

Cap'n Vino
Patrick Swayze is wiping his brow, I'm sure.


Cap'n Vino
matt leblanc? joey from friends?

no this guy was 81 and died yesterday and the newspaper ppl thought that was significant
and he was canadian

Cap'n Vino
oh, romeo


Cap'n Vino
but he wasn't in entertainment, so apparently he doesn't count.

he probably watched TV
thats entertainment

Cap'n Vino
I don't know...a guy named romeo...he was probably more into reading shakespeare

u win

Cap'n Vino
excellent. it's all about winning

rod has emailed cottage response

Cap'n Vino

he only has one vacation day left
what a loser

Cap'n Vino
and I guess he's not willing to take a leave of absence for the remaining 6 days?
you told him there'd be booze right?

friggin guy's back and forth between his office and Dallas office all the time
he should just tell each office he's at the other

Cap'n Vino
that works for me. he could go into town every couple of days and make a call. problem solved.


Cap'n Vino
I'm growing basil...I could make that
oops...presto. never mind

I'm lost. what's the word I'm looking for?

Cap'n Vino

something -esto

Cap'n Vino

thtz not it
is it?

Cap'n Vino
basil, olive oil, pine nuts? yep, pesto is it.

okay. dunno why it became so unfamiliar to me all of a sudden

Cap'n Vino
it's a funny word. I say we call it presto from now on.

I'm in.
and a one item pizza is called pepperonli

Cap'n Vino
I'm having a hard time saying that one and I'm nearly sober.

oops - cappslock stuck

Cap'n Vino
stop yelling at me!!!
I think the I at the end threw me off
if I were to have a one topping pizza, it would probably be mushrooms.
we could call it mushroomi

not in my house you wouldn't
but you're at the shop

Cap'n Vino
I am so

you are so

Cap'n Vino
what did you call me?!?


Cap'n Vino
I see.
I'm sending off a message to my friend jeannine to see if they are available.


Cap'n Vino
I crack me up.

yeah, that word 'available'

Cap'n Vino
What are the chances that you guys have some vacation time available Aug. 29-Sept. 5? We've rented a cottage up north with our friend FWG. Stacey (our wedding photog, and Plonk's gay cousin's ex-wife) was due to come along but just bailed.So FWG and us decided to take turns asking people who would be fun to see if they are available. He got first dibs, but his person only has one day of vacation left. Our turn!You're my number one! (of course, if you guys can't make it, I'll be telling all my other picks that they were number one, but you seriously ARE my first pick.) It is such an awesome place. This is our 3rd year there. It's the only cottage on the lake. VERY PRIVATE. No hydro. Propane appliances and lights.Anyhooo, let me know if you guys are interested.ciao baby.

All your previous picks were busy, I guess.

Cap'n Vino
ya, pretty much.
I'm hooked on this damn bouncing balls game!

sounds painful

Cap'n Vino
it's not a real hook


Cap'n Vino
I'm getting a hand cramp from playing so much

i think i've heard enough
did you guys ever meet my friends tim and aaron from Florida?

Cap'n Vino
yes, many years ago

they've talked about wanting to visit this summer. They may be my next proposal if Jeanine ixnays.

Cap'n Vino
sounds groovy

did u just say groovy?

Cap'n Vino
no, but I may have typed it

oh yes - there it is.

Cap'n Vino
yes, I've just browsed the transcripts. I did, in fact, type "groovy"

would you call the cottage wheel-chair accessible?

Cap'n Vino
well, there's a ramp to get in, but I'm not sure about door sizes and all that.
getting to the beach could be a chore too


Cap'n Vino
why? who's in a wheelchair?

Frank of "Frank and Jeff"
awsone fellas
aw-SUM, I mean
hates me this keyboard

Cap'n Vino
tim & aaron already get the boot?

No. I'm already planning the next 88 rounds of picks

Cap'n Vino
good plan.

Cap'n Vino
won't you take me to funkytown?

in your dreams

Cap'n Vino
I love the 80 's lunch


Cap'n Vino

i wish you'd stop bringing that up

Cap'n Vino
I'll about shithead?

no thanks. cutting down.

Cap'n Vino

i haven't had oral sex recently, if that's what you’re asking

Cap'n Vino
I wasn't, but thanks for the info

Cap'n Vino


Cap'n Vino
peter (of doug & peter) just signed a lease for the shop two doors down. He's opening a gluten-free bakery in September.

wowzers I say

Cap'n Vino
ya, I think doug's got some nervous diarrhea now.

[pushes lunch away]

Cap'n Vino
Mmm...lunch. I should have mine soon

please. take mine.
I'm gonna head outside. Enjoy the weather.

Cap'n Vino
I'm going to stay in and enjoy the a/c

Let me know what Jeanine and whozits has to say, buc

Cap'n Vino
have fun!


Cap'n Vino
will do

later gator

Did you make it to the end? Sorry for doing that to you.

Monday, June 22, 2009

97 lame questions

Don't you just hate lazy bloggers who steal their Facebook tags and cross-post them to their blog? Oh well. Too bad. Times are tough.

100 Truths (actually 97). After you've filled this out, tag 15 people and have them do the same.

1. Last beverage--- Grape-splashed bottled water. It's half done.

2. Last phone call--- To Caledon - to wish 'happy Fathers Day' to the only man who deserves to be called my father.

3. Last text message--- Couple years ago. Probably said, "luv u"

4. Last song you listened to --- Robert Plant, 29 Palms. Watched the video on YouTube.

5. Last time you cried--- With any intensity? Last winter. Drank too much. Things got heavy.


6. Dated someone twice --- With a break between? Not that I recall.

7. Been cheated on?--- Always.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it?--- Too often.

9. Lost someone special?--- Of course. How can you not?

10. Been depressed?--- Yes but never again.

11. Been drunk and threw up? --- All too recently.


12. Sky blue
13. See above
14. See above
15. See above


16. Made new friends--- Constantly.

17. Fallen out of love --- My love for all people waxes and wanes perpetually.

18. Laughed until you cried --- Yesterday. The culprit:

19. Met someone who changed you --- Of course. Everyone.

20. Found out who your true friends were --- An arbitrary label but in essence - I sense who are 'truer' than others.

21. Found out someone was talking about you --- I did. And it was me.

22. Kissed anyone on your friend's list--- A couple dozen. But only three with the tongue and everything.

23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life --- All but Rick Mercer.

24. How many kids do you want to have--- Some days, one. Usually zero.

25. Do you have any pets --- No but the roommates have koy, a dog and a three-legged cat.

26. Do you want to change your name--- Yes.

27. What did you do for your last birthday--- Had a surprise party inflicted on me five months prior to the actual date. 'Surprise' is an understatement.

28. What time did you wake up today --- 5:30PM. And now I'm on duty and on Facebook!

29. What were you doing at midnight last night--- Watching a John Carpenter movie - 'Assault on Precinct 13' with my co-workers in the Security Office. I kept laughing at it and hoping I wasn't hurting the John Carpenter fan's feelings.

30. Name something you CANNOT wait for --- I can wait.

31. Last time you saw your father--- Early May. He bought me dinner. I shall return the favor next weekend.

32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life --- I'd like to lose some weight before it kills me.

33. What are you listening to right now --- the fan on the lap top.

34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom --- Rarely. Generally Toms conspire to avoid me. No idea why.

35. What's getting on your nerves right now? --- My nerves are at peace.

36. Most visited webpage --- Hotmail. And whoever said CNN News -- are you insane!

37. What's your name--- Richard David Landriault

38. Nicknames--- FWG, Blue, Huggybear, New Day Rising.

39. Relationship Status --- No comment.

40. Zodiac sign --- No comment.

41. Male or female or transgendered --- I had a penis the last time I checked.

63. Elementary --- So it is, my dear Watson.

43. Middle School --- No.

44. High school --- Never again.

45. Hair color --- Blonde this time of year.

46. Long or short --- Very short right now. Almost buzz-like.

47. Height --- 5'11".

48. Have a crush on anyone? --- You could say that.

49. What do you like about yourself? --- That I am largely free, joyful, at peace, and compelled by noble purpose.

50. Piercings --- No thanks. I'm fine with the way I was originally assembled.

51. Tattoos --- I don't want to be poked, thanks. By anything.

52. Righty or lefty --- Righty. Wait, do you mean -- Never mind. Righty.


53. First surgery --- Appendix. Grade seven. The school priests declined to visit me at the hospital, contrary to usual practice on account of my parents being godless heathens.

54. First piercing --- Aint gonna happen, Sunshine.

55. First best friend--- Robbie Egger. We were gonna be the next Hardy Boys.

56. First sport you joined --- Lacrosse.

57. First pet --- Maggie. A kitten. She disappeared when Mom had a change of heart. Later so did Cocoa, the dog. I was shattered both times and never got to say goodbye.

58. First vacation--- Typical cottage type.

59. First concert --- Kim Mitchell. Had a great time. Didn't realize yet how awesome he's not.

60. First crush --- Never mind.


61. Eating --- Ka-bobs and potato salad.

62. Drinking --- Grape-splashed bottled water, which I already explained. Next time you repeat a question we're done. This is a boring interview anyway.

63. I'm about to --- Patrol wings E,F,I and G.

64. Listening to --- Like I said, the fan on the lap top. And... We're done.

65. Waiting for ---


66. Want kids? ---

67. Want to get married? ---

68. Careers in mind? ---


69. Lips or eyes ---

70. Hugs or kisses --

71. Shorter or taller ---

72. Older or Younger ---

73. Romantic or spontaneous ---

74. Nice stomach or nice arms ---

75. Sensitive or loud ---

76. Hook-up or relationship ---

77. Trouble maker or hesitant ---


78. Kissed a stranger---

79. Drank hard liquor ---

80. Lost glasses/contacts ---

81. Sex on first date ---

82. Broken someone's heart ---

83. Had your own heart broken---

84. Been arrested ---

85. Turned someone down ---

86. Cried when someone died ---

87. Liked a friend that is a girl? ---


88. Yourself ---

89. Miracles ---

90. Heaven ---

91. Hell ---

92. Santa Claus ---

93. Kiss on the first date? ---

94. Angels ---


95. Is there one person you want to be with right now? ---

96. Had more than one girlfriend at one time? ---

97. Posting this as 100 Truths? ---

Your turn!

You're all invited to participate!

But Remember!

Only YOU can save the human race!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Book: A Game of Thrones

George R. R. Martin (1997)

Captivating and brilliant!

For an author to know so many characters so well; to bring them so vividly to life and especially to give them the legitimate voices to exert their genuine will and yet still somehow manage an intricate plot is a major achievement in storytelling.

The other great problem with such a cast of hundreds, of course, is its threat to overwhelm and chase away the reader but Martin uses tricks of nomenclature and innumerable hints and reminders and tames what at first looms a beast.

The dialogue is key to a tale that is largely court intrigue (ah, but so much more interesting than that sounds) and this dialogue is absolute dynamite; unendingly clever and multi-faceted in its uses. It keeps the story charged; intense; well-paced.

The imagery barely suffices at times but that's fine. You can't have everything. The narrative often irks with such a penchant for the simple was/were structure but perhaps this is Martin's idea of epic style as opposed to a flaw in his wordsmithing repertoire. Perhaps not. But there are regular nuggets of subtle genius which bring scenes sparkling to life and some excellent wisdom throughout. Make no mistake. It is fantasy. It is fiction but it is also a reminder of the beasts that we are and the beastliness we have so far overcome.

What else can I say? This guy is a killer storyteller and I shall be almost as sad at this tale's closure some three or four books from now - almost - as I was to finally close Return of the King. And by that I do not mean to pit Martin against Tolkien. To do so is as pointless as pitting Einstein against Freud. They have their separate purposes and we're blessed to have both. May we celebrate!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The mystery deepens

As both Graham and Her Flumadiddliness Bablatrice II have pointed out, the Genitals In Space mystery diagram is clearly an upside down dude. A chef, perhaps, with goatee and very tiny legs.

But this can not be the final explanation. The College most definitely does not teach upside down dudery, nor cooking, for that matter, at its trade campus. And anyway, what self-respecting cooking course has need to diagram a cartoon pecker-nosed chef - even right side up, let alone inverted?

Curiouser and curiouser. No, there has to be a better explanation and I shall leave no stone unturned in this quest to unearth the truth.

My only clue thus far; Roger has noted a slight similarity to some hi-tech doo-dad called a thermo something reactor switch or something. I'll have to re-read his comment.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Genitals In Space?

So maybe you know. Maybe you didn't until now. I got me a security guard job. Not the kind where I can sit and write all night; not yet anyway, but the kind where I can alternately read and exercise which is very useful for now. It's like not having a job but still getting a pay cheque.

So I'm "working" at Slow Hawk College of Applied Arts and Technology and on this day I'm at the campus that specializes in trades. Automotive, Machine Shop, Hydraulics, Steamfitting, Plumbing, Refrigeration, Green Energy, yadda yadda yadda...

Having never experienced post-secondary education, I'm counting on you guys to help me out with a few things. First off is this:

I'm passing by a classroom and through the interior windows I see the instructor gesturing toward the diagram he has scrawled on the whiteboard which I have here duplicated as accurately as possible:

I'm dying to know what the heck this could be. I'm assuming it's not supposed to be a penis in a rocket ship. As far as I know, the only classes in session during this quiet summer semester fall into the carpentry, electrical, welding and automotive categories. If anyone has any familiarity with any of these trades (ahem, Roger) and has a guess what's going on in this picture -- I'm all ears.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Latest anti-flu poster