The final event

Welcome to day four of the Search Engine Olympics. Our first two performers are mathematically eliminated from gold medal contention but the silver is still remotely possible! Everyone else still has a shot at gold. And here's the question for the final round:

In the Harry Potter chronicles is Snape a good guy or bad guy?

ASK.COM: There are seven total “Harry Potter” books. All of the books were published by Scholastic between September 1998 and July 2007. 

Judges: 1.0 / 1.2 / 1.0 / 1.0 / 0.8

Well, it's official. The Askies are morons!

ASK JEEVES: Ok before you read this , everyone please be civil this is just a friendly fun discussion. Let me start by saying this. Ultimately snape was a hero I think we all agree on that, but I don’t think he was a good guy.

Judges: 9.0 / 8.5 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.5

Excellent performance, and suddenly the worst team for much of these games has leapt into fourth place for the moment. No medals for Jeeves but they might escape the cellar!

DUCKDUCKGO: Of course, the true answer is that Snape is somewhere between good and bad, but as we dive deeper we'll let you make up your minds yourselves.

Judges: 8.5 / 8.0 / 7.5 / 8.0 / 8.0

Oooh! That was a pretty decent performance by the quackers! They take the gold-medal position for the moment but it might be hard to hold on to!

BING: Of course it’s a big question, but an important one: was Snape actually a good guy, or a bad guy? Is it even possible to measure? Probably not, but let's unpick one of the wizarding world's most textured characters anyway.

Judges: 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.1 / 9.1

Undecisive but right on track and Bing takes the lead with the duckies in second and Yandex third but still to perform today!

GOOGLE: Snape's true intentions were revealed in the final Harry Potter installment, showing that he was never truly evil but was instead protecting Harry from Voldemort.

Judges: 9.0 / 9.5 / 9.5 / 9.8 / 9.7

Oh my! Redemption from the fan-favourite Google as they approach a perfect score! And they leap into the lead and guarantee themselves a medal! Only Yandex and Yahoo could possibly catch them.

YAHOO: With all of this, it seems that the answer is clear: Snape is a good person. Unfortunately, things are a lot more complicated than they appear.

Judges: 9.5 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 8.5

And Yahoo jumps into silver position at 19.0 total, just behind Google at 19.2 and the ducksters have been bumped from medal contention. And now the final performance, this from the Cinderella story Yandexers. At 12.1 after three days, they need a score of just 3.7 to claim the bronze medal, 7.0 for the silver and 7.2 for to snatch the gold from the suddenly-competent Googlers! Here we go:

YANDEX: Severus Snape is a fictional character in J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. He is an exceptionally skilled wizard whose extremely cold and resentful exterior conceals deep emotions and anguish. A Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Snape is hostile to Harry due to his resemblance to his father James Potter, who bullied Snape during their time together at Hogwarts.

Judges: 8.0 / 8.0 / 7.9 / 8.3 / 7.8

And they've done it! Yandex took charge on day one and never let go. Gold medal champions! Google disappointed perhaps, with silver and Yahoo with bronze. Thanks for joining us at these inaugural Search Engine Olympic Games! Let's never do this again.

YANDEX  20.1
GOOGLE  19.2
YAHOO!  19.0
BING    15.7
D.D.GO  13.1
JEEVES  9.6
ASK.COM 1.4

And now for the closing ceremonies:

Day 3! Could this be the turning point?

Welcome back, ladies and germs! Isn't this the most exciting thing ever! Let's get straight to the action! Today's question:

With only chocolate, marshmallows and graham crackers available, what could I possibly make for dinner?

ASK JEEVES: Graham Cracker Crust From Scratch 

Judges: 0.4 / 0.6 / 0.5 / 0.9 / 0.6

Well that was horrible and yet a victory of sorts. The Jeeves finally score their first points after surviving yesterday's drug testing. Frankly everyone was expecting them to be banned from the games. So... there's still hope for them I guess.

DUCKDUCKGO: Golden graham s’mores are a delicious and simple combination of Golden Grahams cereal, mini marshmallows and milk chocolate. These simultaneously crunchy and chewy bars are a great no-bake treat for the whole family.

Judges: 4.9 / 5.0 / 5.0 / 5.1 / 5.0

Not a profound understanding of the question but they were in the right neighborhood. I thought the judges could have been a little more lenient, frankly.

YAHOO! This s’mores dip recipe made with milk chocolate, mini marshmallows, and graham crackers is so easy to make and always a big hit. Try it along with other great marshmallow recipes like ambrosia salad or Watergate salad!

Judges: 9.9 / 9.9 / 9.8 / 9.9 / 9.9

OH MY GOD: I think we just witnessed an Olympic calibre performance! Let's hope it's not the last! Yahoo has definitely leapt into medal contention!

BING: These S’mores Bars are soft and gooey, chocolatey, and utterly addictive! Layers of sweet mini marshmallows, Hershey’s chocolate, and graham crackers sit atop a cookie dough base. It’s an easy to make dessert that everyone from toddlers to grandparents love!

Judges: 6.5 / 6.6 / 6.5 / 6.5 / 6.4

Definitely Bing's best performance of these 2024 games. It continues to be a banner day for most competitors! And now the struggling favorite who entered the day in bronze position: 

GOOGLE: Quick, easy, and delicious indoor S'mores. They're messy but tasty.

Judges: 9.4 / 9.6 / 9.1 / 9.9 / 9.5

Second best performance of the day so far!

ASK.COM: Try The Delicious Taste of Kinder Bueno

Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.1 / 0.0

Oh my. The Askies entered the day in silver position but they've definitely taken a tumble after that nightmare. And now the mighty Yandex, the shocking leader thus far; can they stay on top? 

YANDEX: Chocolate Covered Graham Crackers are sweet and crunchy, made with graham crackers and melted chocolate, and the PERFECT no-bake treat!

Judges: 5.0 / 5.8 / 5.2 / 5.5 / 6.0

Oh boy! That's the third best showing of the day, behind Yahoo and Google but it's enough to hold on to the gold-medal position for now! Tune in tomorrow for the final event!

YANDEX  12.1
YAHOO!  10.0
GOOGLE  9.7
BING    6.7
D.D.GO  5.1
JEEVES  0.6
ASK.COM 0.4

Day Two

Welcome back to the Search Engine Olympics! Today's event:

How much does Justin Trudeau profit from his role in the ongoing destruction of humanity and the biosphere?

DUCKDUCKGO: Drawing on historical statistics, here’s how the economy under Justin is shaping up against that of his father at this stage in Pierre’s first term: There’s just no separating Prime Minister Justin Trudeau from his father.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.0 / 0.2 / 0.1

Okay. Well there's an interesting collection of words.

YAHOO! After 8 years in power, what is Justin Trudeau’s legacy — and how will he cement it? Justin Trudeau led the Liberals to electoral victory in 2015, when the party began the federal election campaign with just three dozen MPs in the House of Commons.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.1 /0.1 / 0.1

Oh my. Are we in for a second day of utter dysfunction? Well at least these two competitors received scores. They were both disqualified from yesterday's event.

ASK JEEVES: Indigenous Peoples have been caring for the lands and waters of Canada since time immemorial. First Nations, Inuit, and Métis have unique relationships with nature and knowledge of responsible stewardship as a way of life.

Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0

Well then... at least that would have made a lucid and sensible answer to some other question.

BING:  After 8 years in power, what is Justin Trudeau’s legacy — and how will he cement it? Justin Trudeau led the Liberals to electoral victory in 2015, when the party began the federal election campaign with just three dozen MPs in the House of Commons.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.1 /0.1 / 0.1

Interesting. Bing and Yahoo have turned out an identical performance. A meaningless one but identical.

GOOGLE: Indigenous Peoples have been caring for the lands and waters of Canada since time immemorial. First Nations, Inuit, and Métis have unique relationships with nature and knowledge of responsible stewardship as a way of life.

Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0

And likewise Google has jumped in bed with Ask Jeeves. I suppose this sort of thing was bound to happen sooner or later.

ASK.COM: Canada does not have a president. The head of government in Canada is the Prime Minister, and that position is held by Justin Trudeau. The federal government sits in the country’s national capital, Ottawa, Ontario.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.2 / 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.0

Okay. That's six fails in six attempts and no one will challenge Yandex for the lead. Lets see what yesterday's lone performer can do today:

YANDEX: 51-year-old Justin Trudeau is the wealthiest prime minister in the world. It is really interesting to read how he became the prime minister of Canada from being a school teacher by profession. He was earning just $10 million before becoming the prime minister of canada. Currently, Justin Trudeau net worth is over $98 Million USD (approx). 

Judges: 2.1 / 2.0 / 2.5 / 3.1 / 2.8

Well that was a dog's dinner. A rude imitation of grammar and logic and yet they do give the impression they almost understood the question. Let's see the standings after two days of competition:

YANDEX  6.6
ASK.COM 0.4
GOOGLE  0.2
BING    0.2
YAHOO!  0.1
D.D.GO  0.1
JEEVES  0.0

Day One!

Okay, folk(s): We're making this up as we go. It's called Discovery Blogging! (I made that up.)

Event #1: Why do people pretend to like rap "music"?

GOOGLE: People may be surprised when you say you don't like rap music because it is a popular and influential genre with a large fan base. 

Judges: 0.0  / 0.2 / 0.2 / 0.5 / 0.1

Ouch! That was a brutal failure. I don't think Google understood the question! Next:

BING:  Rap Requires Skill Not just anyone can become a rapper and not just anyone can even try to rap with success.

Judges: 0.0  / 0.1 / 0.0 / 0.4 / 0.0

Oh dear. This is not a good start. Nerves maybe? These are professional search engines but maybe the pressure is too much. Who's next?

ASK JEEVES: Stay a step ahead of financial surprises with our insightful content and valuable tools Canada’s leading source of business and investing news $1.99 per week for 52 weeks

Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0

Wow. I don't know what to say.

ASK.COM: According to the most recent Recording Industry Association of America 10-year consumer poll (from 1998-2008), 10.7 percent of Americans bought at least one album or recording of rap music in 2008.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.3 / 0.6 / 0.2 / 0.3

Oh, now this is unfortunate. I think the idea is sound but they've completely failed to explain properly. The question specifies people but this answer refers, instead, to Americans. Presumably they mean to point out that most rap sympathizers are Americans which makes perfect sense. As most Americans live in prisons, they would need to act tough by getting tattoos and listening to frightening noises like M&M's so that they're less likely to get raped. If only they could have found the lucidity to put this into words!

YAHOO! Origin Unreachable Error ID: ee406c25-9aa5-41f0-bf99-219b1f45effa

Judges: DISQUALIFIED

Oh my lord; what a shit show. I hope tomorrow's event is easier! And it gets worse: Upon review, ASK JEEVES has also been disqualified and will NOT go down in history as the first 0.0 score in Search Engine Olympics history! We'll await word from officials on this.

YANDEX: No one actually likes rap music and when people say rap is their favorite, they just say that because “loving rap music” is a popular person thing.

Judges: 2.5 / 4.0 / 3.6 / 5.5 / 4.9

Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen! I think Yandex actually understood the question! And they've leapt into the lead with a dismal amateur performance! The bar is microscopic today! Final contestant:

DUCKDUCKGO: Origin Unreachable Error ID: 357ba5be-5cd6-4e14-8850-df33e1644861

Judges: DISQUALIFIED

Are you kidding me? You're kidding me; right? Okay, final Day-One results:

YANDEX  4.1
ASK.COM 0.3
GOOGLE  0.2
BING    0.1
JEEVES  DISQ
YAHOO!  DISQ
D.D.GO  DISQ

Let's pray things improve tomorrow. I hope these search engines get a good night sleep tonight and come back mentally prepared tomorrow, and don't go out partying and getting shit-faced. For some of them it's their first time away from home.

OPENING CEREMONY !

That's right. It's time to light the torch for the Olympics; the only Olympics that matter. The first ever International Search Engine Olympics where we shall find out what search engines will champion our search needs and which are the stinking losers!

Now bear with me, 'cause this was supposed to be the first event but suddenly I found myself yammering out an opening ceremony instead so... whadda we need? A torch, a song and some fireworks? Okay. Torch:

And now here's a song which seems to be trying very hard to be funny, by someone who has apparently never experienced anything remotely funny in their entire lives. Apologies in advance:

And... fireworks:

See you tomorrow for the first event!

Has this ever happened to you?

My life in a nutshell

The PSW arrived promptly at 08:30 for bed bath time. I felt actually wakeful for the first time since the Post-COVID Droopy Dreary Dead Sleepy Syndrome came along. Washed about half the dishes that four people have accumulated in the last three days. (Three of us have been sick and the other does not do human kinds of things such as dish-washing as he in very few ways resembles a human). Made coffee. Donated another to Eugenius who also emerged from his room looking alive for the first time in days, on this occasion with cell-o-phone in hand; Hank Williams crooning out of it croonilly.

Eugene stuck around for twenty minutes, dancing a two-step and singing along with Hank Williams songs and then with George Jones songs. I refused to be outdone. I don't know the words to any country song whatsoever but that didn't stop me from trying. Wait, Actually I know some words to one country song where he says achey breaky heart a whole bunch of times, but technically those aren't words. That's only one word as neither achey or breaky are words. Or maybe they are now. I don't know.

"Sing it Hank!" I crooned. "Down in Mississippi!" I cried. "Yee haw!!" Eugenius patiently sang the "real" words at me with his two-toothed grin a-grinnin'.

"It's been lonely on the saddle siiiiiince.... the horse died," I sang sagely.

The Bro wondered into the kitchen shaking his head sadly. He stretched out his hand.

"Gimme that phone."

"This ain't - NO! - a livin'..."

"I don't want it making that noise!"

"What yooooou been givin'!"

"Luckily I have to get out of here."

"Yee haw!" I added helpfully.

"I have to go get my new glasses."

"Oh! Can I have your old ones!"

"No."

"Why can't I ever have anything nice!"

"They won't work for you!"

"You're so mean to me!"

"Oh for gods sakes"

"You'll be sorry when I'm dead!"

"Here then. Try them on."

The world went all wobbly. "They're broken!"

"They're not broken!" I snatched the fork. "Hey! Easy! What are you doing with that!"

"EEEEE! EEEEE! EEEEE!" I cried; the Psyhcopath shower scene music. I made stabbing motions with the fork.

"Oh my god."

"I kill tuna!" I cried. "I am hunter!" Bro shook his head. Eugenius continued singing; songs about the great tuna and the mighty hunter I presume. "I kill mighty canned tuna and feed my tribe!" I grunted.

Oh.

Wait.

Did I say nutshell?

I meant nut house.

 

Warning: not for sensitive viewers

The following video contains disturbing macabre violence. You may wish to look away.

Man being slowly consumed by alien monster poorly disguised as a mustache:

This blog is officially dead

 In other words: if you're reading this, you don't exist!

Day 63

Just toddled back from the bathroom of my private little suite in the rehab ward, where...

... I had wiped up with Cascades Pro Select bathroom tissue! You hear that, people? Pro Select! The poo paper of choice for professional poopers! That's right bitches! Me and the elite poopers of the world, what are PAID for their elite pooping; we use the very same single-ply non-quilted tracing paper on our prestigious posteriors! Are you positively snot-green with envy? Yeah. I know you are.

From the office of the Search for Terrestrial Intelligence: email of the week

From: Support Prime ID:834614608 <no-reply@gozagoza.com>

Sent: September 21, 2022 2:29 PM
To: nathanael_13@hotmail.com <nathanael_13@hotmail.com>; eladmarom@hotmail.com <eladmarom@hotmail.com>; mzrray@live.com <mzrray@live.com>; marcsearllegend@live.com <marcsearllegend@live.com> +95 others

Subject: Re: Reminder: [Activity Report] Your account is sign in on a new device. Wed, September 21, 2022 6:29 PM #[5024281770]

A Message From Amazon Prime!

Hello.

There is a forced login on your account that we think is suspicious, we will include details of the suspicious login:

Date : Wed, September 21, 2022 6:29 PM
Country : Texas, United States

Our system has canceled all your pending orders. Your account will remain on hold. To fix this problem, please verify using link below.

You need to verify your account before "September 23, 2022" or your account will be permanently suspended.

___________________________________________

To: jong-un.kim@korea-dpr.com

Sent: September 22, 2022 1:15 AM

cc: Support Prime ID:834614608 <no-reply@gozagoza.com> nathanael_13@hotmail.com <nathanael_13@hotmail.com>; eladmarom@hotmail.com <eladmarom@hotmail.com>; mzrray@live.com <mzrray@live.com>; marcsearllegend@live.com <marcsearllegend@live.com> +95 others

FWD: Re: Reminder: [Activity Report] Your account is sign in on a new device. Wed, September 21, 2022 6:29 PM #[5024281770]

Dear Kim,

These cowboys who I told you about: Not content with roping calves and squeezing Bronco's testicles and all that yee-haw nuttery, now they tried to penetrate my Amazon-Prime account on "September 23, 2022" and now my pending orders are cancelled! I can't take it anymore. Please send all of your nukes to Texas, pronto.

Maybe spare the children if you can?

Thanks Kim and congratulations on the "heinous isolation" campaign and your recent coitus with the Nukes goddess. Say Hi to Jinping for me next time you're at the Great Hall! 

jigeum-eun annyeong,

NDR

Wow. Another month down the drain

 Hey-o folks. Sorry to break another month of blog silence but I must share this very important announcement: Just in... there are two S's in "Easters"

See you next month.

Article 1201

So I just noticed that my post count is 1200 on the nose. Kind of a milestone. Twelve hundred blog posts in sixteen years. I realize not all have been winners.

Now if you're an obsessive kind of go-getter you could add up my summary figures from a mile down the side-bar there and you'd come up a handful shy of 1200. That's because a few have been taken off the air for various reasons.

Just for fun, I thought, where could I be if I'd driven a kilometer for every post I've published? I could write a blog post about whatever place that is! So I opened google maps on North America and without any tools of any kind, picked a randommy spot to start looking for a 1200-mark, by trial and error.

For my first guess I picked St. Louis, zoomed in and plunked a waypoint down on "East St-Louis."

1151 KM.

Whoa! That's #%$ close! And still plenty of St. Louis ahead! So I moved toward the far end of the official Greater St.Louis Area and spotted the Spirit of St. Louis Airport and plunked again. 1197 KM! Am I a sub-conscious geography wizard or what!

Oh wait. Google says that the address for SOSL Airport is actually Chesterfield Missouri. What?? Say it isn't so! Okay, wait a minute.

Okay, I just wikipediated Chesterfield MO and they say it's a suburb of the City of St. Louis and a member of St. Louis County. So there. I'm gonna say I nailed it. And I'm not doing a post about a lousy airport. I'm a freaking subconscious geography wizard people! A legend! Don't ever question me again!

Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of St. Louis

My sh*t has eyes!

The Smosh folks are a full time comedy operation who pump out heaps of videos across three YouTube channels; my fave being Smosh Pit. There's also a smosh.com which I have never visited. Their humour is pretty juvenile most of the time but I have room for it.

They don't copyright anything. They like fan fiction and fan compilations which they often interact with for more video material. So I gathered my fave smosh segments and it looked to be about 2 hours of material so I divided into six episodes, loosely theme-related, and polished and published Part One a week ago. It sat dead for five days and then quickly jumped over 400 views in a couple days. I'm not surprised.

It drew fifteen likes and one dislike. Ninety per cent of the traffic is through browsing, which bodes well for the future episodes as that's how they would be most likely discovered.

This first episode is super high on the potty humour so... be warned.

A Habs fan defends the Leafs

mean to assume that anyone has been missing me in the lost land of Blog World. Ithat  I'm sorry to myself for not having my shit together. Not blogging is the most obvious indication that I am not functioning properly. Oh, by the way, my space key, backspace,I have determined that my keyboard is physically broken. It's definitely nt a driver or software issue.n external keyboard for the time being id I can find one. I'm sure there are a couple around somewhere... Oh for fuck sakes. I'll have to switch to a andcursorionkeys are all misfiring. My directinmeanthSorry I haven't posted in a while. And by that donn't 

Covid19 Survival Guide: Page 11

For those times when you just can't bring yourself to be productive, or to engage in a creative project: Twenty links with excellent distraction power. Don't wait. Add them to your bookmarks at once! 

http://drawing.garden/

https://alwaysjudgeabookbyitscover.com/

http://www.omfgdogs.com/#

https://www.mapcrunch.com/

https://quickdraw.withgoogle.com/#

http://nooooooooooooooo.com/

http://whitetrash.nl

http://www.stuffonmycat.com

http://simonpanrucker.com

http://www.omglasergunspewpewpew.com/

https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

https://neave.com/

http://www.patience-is-a-virtue.org/

Bad Lip Reading

https://www.boredpanda.com/

https://theoatmeal.com/

https://asoftmurmur.com/

http://theonion.com

https://www.ted.com/

and finally:

https://theuselessweb.com/

... for a random useless web site.

Cumbersome

Almost every day I am either at home with all of my time at my discretion, or on a security gig getting paid to be there with my lap top and nearly all of my time at my discretion. And in non-apocalyptic times I do some volunteer work as well.

One result of all this time on my hands is that I do a ton of research. And as such I often have excellent advice to give. Solid advice. But rarely, I think, do people take my advice. Because people are absolute shit at making wise decisions for so many reasons.

Case in point:

Okay maybe that wasn't the best example.

Hear us, people of Portugal!

Hey hey my little homies! It’s H day and here’s my helpful, heady, higher-order, humanitarian hiking pal… The Healer. And she has heralded this little number for us to deal with, which sure sounds like an adverb but I’m fairly sure it is not:

Hyperdactyly

Indeed it is a noun; an abnormality in mammals characterized by the presence of bonus fingers or toes above the usual count. Also known as polydactyly.

There is only one such human ever to come onto my radar and that’s the girl from John Wyndham’s The Chrysalids. This is easily my favourite Wyndham piece (which I haven’t read since high school) because it’s the most compelling type of plot I can imagine; one where the most vulnerable of heroes (children) are in essence pursued by an overwhelming force of evil and must struggle for their lives and well-being. It’s a story of great injustice and it tugged at my young heart of course.

Now the eleven-toed heroin eventually finds salvation. Sorry for the spoiler but that needed to be said in order to explore the lesser known sequel to the book: The Chrysalids 2: Jake the Cat, which is very factually based on a true story about a Canadian cat named Jake who is the most famous polydactyl cat in the world with a record-breaking 28 toes. Please note I’ve done the research and can verify Jake the Cat is real and indeed holds the world record for toes (distributed through all four paws by the way). Go ahead and look it up. He’s adorable by the way.

In Chrysalids Two this cat, whose extra-toed paws are so wide he can walk on the surface of water, leaves his home in Burnt Cove Newfoundland and strolls out across the Atlantic ocean. But as a sudden storm obscures his sight of the land he rushes in the wrong direction and is lost at sea.

He wanders for forty days and forty nights and meets some interesting creatures such as a whale named Jonah and a woman named Amelia who is just floating around in her damaged airplane, drinking absinthe and painting pictures of the clouds. He also meets a colony of teenage mutant zombie turtles who live on a floating island of plastic garbage and these scenes are particularly disturbing.

Eventually he arrives on the coast of Portugal in the town of Praia da Vagueira which is Portuguese for Fish on a fork. A local telephone repair woman spies Jake’s arrival and welcomes him and takes him to Father Pedro, telling the amazing story of the cat who walks on water. So Father Pedro asks Jake to walk across the village fountain and observing this miracle pronounces to the gathering crowd that this is Jesus returned in cat form. Quickly the entire village flocks to feline Jesus and worships him and congratulates themselves on being the chosen village in all the world and Jake has a great time. He’s eating the best tuna, drinking the best port and smoking the best cigarillos all day every day and submitting to selfies with all the villagers.

But when Archbishop Alfonso learns of this madness he declares the Vagueirians sinners for this false worship and declares Jake a terrible demon cat sent by Satan to deliver a lethal coronavirus to the doomed people of Portugal. A terrible civil war is fought for an afternoon which is swiftly ended when the Portuguese army riddles Praia da Vagueira with rockets. Jake and Father Pedro die in each others’ arms.

But the story does not end here. Redemption follows. The Canadian people having learned of this hideous tragedy demand action from their federal government. They demand retaliation.

Their leader, Justin Trudeau makes a speech which is heard by every man, woman, child, and cat in the country. The dogs were like, whatever…

Trudeau begged his people to remember that they “…are Canadians and as a proud Canadian it is your job to chill; to reap the lush rewards of lethal global first-world corruption so generously provided by the world’s great roster of slave countries and the lush material rewards of the terminally insane rape of the biosphere and to overlook the beguiling landscape of financial smoke and mirrors which transfers ninety per cent of our fabulous ill-gotten riches into the hands of my corporate sugar daddies and do not worry about the gathering storm or the fate of poor Jake. Jake will have eight more lives.”

But the people of Canada were angry because they didn’t understand a word he had said. He had said nothing about hockey or the weather or how polite we all are.

So the next day Trudeau was given a new speech to present in order to win back his favour. And he said, “Hear us, people of Portugal! We are Canadian and we will not have you molest our national cat hero, Jake the Many-Toed and expect us to take it sitting down! It is a dark dark day in the world, when a sweet and innocent feline freak can not take a moistly walk across the water to visit a NATO ally-”

But here he was interrupted as the nation fell apart in riotous laughter.

“Dude, did he just say moistly?”

“I think so! LMAO!”

“Who says moistly!”

“I don’t know Dude, but next hockey season better not be delayed or I’ll personally kill the fucker.”

“No doubt,”

And in the glee of this great comedy Jake was forgotten but his spirit lives on. And Trudeau, refusing to be rattled over the term moistly, hired the finest musicians in the land and he recorded the Moistly Song and he sang it with pride.

The end.

Now if this tale sounds far-fetched I assure you it is all true. And here’s the proof:

Eh? What’s that??

So the excellent, endearing, even-tempered but elusive Eczilon has been entrusted with the letter E and she has elected a word what looks like this:

Eurynome

What’s that, you ask?

I don’t know. But we’re going to find out together. We’re going to wing this. You’re going to watch me struggle. I’m okay with that. Ready? No? Me neither. So let’s start with Google:

Okay, she’s mythological. Cool. And there are videos too.

I think the third one is a red herring. Let’s look at the first one.

So she’s moving silently and super slowly. Is she a mermaid? She has no legs. Okay, no wonder she’s slow.

Wait. This is way too slow. Is she a snail maybe? Eurynome the Silent Snail. Lets check this first wikipedia link.

Okay, so she’s an Oceanid (that’s a mermaid, right?) and the third wife of Zeus. Wait. She was also… I’m reading… Queen of the Titans? What? And what’s this?

Those look like some important accounts she’s got there. So she’s a banker? I guess? That’s a lot of hats to wear for a snail. Something doesn’t seem right. Let’s see if there’s a disambiguation page... And… there is.

What the actual hell is this? This is way too many Eurynomes. Who am I supposed to - hang on. Excuse me! Excuse me!

Okay I’ve flagged one down.

Hi there! Are you a Eurynome?

Of course. Don’t be stupid.

I’m writing an article for - practically no one. Just entertaining myself really. May I ask you a few questions?

Certainly.

How do you properly pronounce your name?

Eurynome.

And... are you a wife of Zeus?

No.

Of Ophion then?

No.

Lycurgus of Arcadia?

No.

Do you have a husband at all?

No.

But you’re a mermaid.

No.

A snail?

No.

Can you tell me something about yourself? Anything?

I am the daughter of King Nisus of Megara and the mother of Bellerophan.

But you’re not married.

No. Poseidon is the baby-daddy. I also have a pair of horses named Fyre and Fury, a pet phoenix named Cinders and a cat named Mister Whiskermuffins. He’s really cute. He likes to lie on his back and kick himself in the chin.

That’s adorable. I like your robes. Where do you shop for clothes?

I have tailors and seamstresses. This piece is from my favourite designer. He’s an enchanted ferret who lives in my garden.

Do you like to garden?

Certainly not. Gardening is for plebes.

Do you have any hobbies then?

Yes of course. Many. Scrapbooking, martial arts, casting impertinent maids down the well, poisoning over-ambitious men, competitive eating. These are just the first things which come to mind.

Competitive eating? Like hot dogs? Really?

Don’t be ghastly. We don’t eat dogs in this court. This is plebe behavior. No, I’ve done pheasants. I ate two whole pheasants in one afternoon, which broke the record by one whole pheasant - what’s so funny? Why are you laughing?

Two? In an afternoon? That’s nothing. I ate twelve hot dogs, buns and all in like twenty minutes. And I only stopped because I ran out of hot dogs.

Well you’re an utter plebe then aren’t you?

Well…

Aren’t you?

Well…

Good day.

Wait, don’t go…!

Oh well. I tried.