Sunday, February 22, 2009

Twenty-Five Random Things About Me

This is a crossposted Facebook tag:

I confess these are not random. they are the only twenty-five I came up with.

1. I sometimes am subtly cynical regarding common misuse of the English language (see above).

2. I realize that language belongs to the people at large and that dictionaries only report what is happening in the general public. Thus the literate elite are always held at ransom to you bastards!

3. I boughts me some socks in China Town. Twelve pairs for ten bucks. They is grey and fuzzy and I loves them.

4. I have twice had to trim a protruding nose-hair. I propose this should mark the coming of age of a man instead of the arbitrary completion of nineteen orbits of the sun. A passing star, black hole or interstellar dust cloud, if near enough, could possibly upset the earth's orbit but nose-hair growth would remain unaffected in such an event, unless of course the resulting barrage of comets pummels the earth and kills every creature with a nose.

5. I have moved to Hamilton Ontario and am looking for a Security Guard job - a cushy one with a desk and a roof over my head - so that while I'm writing eight hours a day I can collect a paycheck for doing nothing. If anyone knows of such a sucker - I mean - security company - do let me know!

6. I’m supposed to be writing eight hours a day. I don’t think this counts.

7. I’m learning to play the guitar. It’s going well and I’m writing songs now. And that counts.

8. I am writing this while sitting next to an animal that is part Terrier, Poodle and Shiatsu. He is fondly referred to as a Terri-Poo-Shit. He looks more like a rat with a perm. Sometimes I like to play with the little ragamuffin. Other times I’d like to hurl him great distances just to see if he comes back or not.

9. I tried to throw a snowball the other day and discovered I am likely no longer a competent baseball player. And possibly a girl. I took a few steps forward and stomped the evidence into slush.

10. I’m down to 282 lbs which is the lightest I’ve been in this millennium.

11. I’m bored of this exercise already.

12. My new housemates play oldies radio precisely eighteen hours a day. I might have to go back in time and kill every musician in the free world. And then perhaps Hitler if there are enough bullets.

13. Since moving to Hamilton I’ve been in the company of nothing but drunk people. If you know anyone in Hamilton who is sometimes sober please ask them to visit me and warn them that I may need a hug. To any Hamilton Facebook friends who may be reading this - please don’t be insulted. And for fuck sakes, have a coffee or something.

14. I like my new room. The ceiling is low and the walls are that artificial wood panelling that I thought could never happen to me. I pretend that it’s a cabin on a ship and that I am the captain but not Captain Stubing and not a pirate either.

15. While sitting around in my cabin pretending to be a ship captain I have been doing some sipping and I have discovered that I’m becoming rather fond of Irish whiskey and brandy too. I thus will now accept the nicknames Mister Whiskey or Mister Whiskers or even “Whiskey McButtersworth Ching Ching Magoo” or anything you can throw at me, really. I’m not afraid. But don’t be overly vulgar or I’ll have you thrown overboard.

16. I’ve spent more money and more time out of the workplace than I anticipated and I may be sticking around paying off debt a little longer than I originally anticipated. Perhaps eighteen months. India is still on the radar for 2010. Unless of course I make the Olympics. Is there an Olympic poetry team?

17. I play “Masters” lacrosse. “Masters” is a nice way of saying “old men”.

18. I have to pee.

19. I have returned from peeing.

20. I do not have a cell phone and not because of the whole brain cancer thing but because I won’t have you bitches interrupting me every time you feel like it. But I admit it will be cool being one of six remaining earthlings when the rest of you are dead. That’s right. Because brain cancer kills. It’s not like hiccups.

21. Well, maybe it is like hiccups. But it’s like a hiccup where your head falls off.

22. I’ve been in Costa Rica, Trinidad, Ybor City, a boarded-up abandoned school, the World Trade Centre, the press box at A.C.C. and possibly your pants, depending on who you are. And if you’re wondering about that time you were really drunk and passed out - yep. You can count on it.

23. I’ve truly had enough of this.

24. I like every food I can think of except cucumbers but I burn cucumber-scented candles just to live dangerously. I don’t tell upcoming dinner hosts about the cucumber problem because nobody makes a dish with cucumbers where you can’t just pull the cucumbers out. They put them in things like salad which no one likes anyway. I pull them out of the salad and hide them between the host’s couch cushions or in their toilet tank or aquarium.

25. I am a new day rising.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I may already be a winner

I try to stay away from coffee-shop coffee but when I do partake, and when they`re doing the roll-up-the-rim-to-win shenanigans I almost always win. Meanwhile my friends who spend a thousand bucks a year at Tim Hortons complain that they never win.

Of course I never claim the prizes - the free donuts or muffins or what-not. I either lose the little paper cup shards or else tip prostitutes with them.

Not this one though! This is terribly exciting. I`ve won a Brookside almond sample! How cool is that? Okay, so it`s not like an entire almond. It`s just a sample, but still - even if I just get to lick the salty almond dust off of it or something...

I can`t wait.

[Editor`s note: We`re pretty sure he`s kidding about the prostitutes.]

Friday, February 13, 2009

Dress me up and take me anywhere

So Pan and I are returning from the book barn with a reclaimed two-panel wooden door for his bedroom because a couple nights earlier he punched his current door into a thousand splintereens on account of the dog being bad and the fairly obvious assumption that it must have been the bedroom door what made the dog be bad.

And yes, the book barn also sells reclaimed building materials. It's your one-stop used-stuff place. So there.

On a whim we stop at Le Chinois for a nifty little Indian buffet lunch which I totally wear.
The first casualty is a spoonful of butter chicken which leaves a nice trail on my black shirt before hitting the floor. The next is an entire tandoori chicken leg sans one or two bites.

Finally I lose the knife. It decorates both shirt and black jeans in butter chicken sauce en route to the carpet. Pan about has a heart attack laughing. "Are you gonna pick that up?"

"Before we leave," I say. "That and the others and whatever else may fall in the mean time."

As the waiter brings the bill we are both crouching under the table salvaging stray cuisine and cutlery.

"Wow. I'm covered in food," I say as we leave.

"Yeah, and your fly's open," he says.

I check and he's right.

Oh well. At least I'm wearing underwear. Hey - I had a good time and no one (and no doors) were hurt. So there.


The move to Hamilton which has occupied roughly 130% of my time is finally complete. Soon I will have all my new arrangements and logistics settled which will absolutely entail 40 hours per week of writing time of which a portion will be dedicated to blogging regularly. I should be able to commit to five posts per week. I want to get this boat sailing.

Also hoping to renew participation from Aequitas and Skeeter Willis and get Tati (Terry Ann) on board and make this thing a more dynamic community. Looking forward to spending more time with you!