These are the creatures in your neighborhood...

Neighborhood update!

Skittles MacBeth has finally come around again after a lengthy absence and was just as skittish as ever.

When I dropped a second helping of fishy kibblets between us, it spooked her and she ducked under the nearest parked car where she remained until I packed it in for the day, before popping back out for a gobble.

My new young friend Moose has come by on two consecutive mornings now but with two different human translators in tow.

The other youngster, kitten, Ginger Ferrero; it turns out he goes by "Kevin" at home. Ginger Kevin Ferraro is his full name it would seem.

Here's a special message from Ben Stiller:

Two new friends this morning!

Seems Saturday mornings might be the target now for the Friend Recruitment Program...

The first was Karma; an old gal, out for a stroll with master Bill. She took the biscuit upon first offer but with a very serious expression, then ingested it efficiently. I was rather bold in placing the back of my hand up to her nose and she didn't move but gave me just a hint of growl. Bill disapproved at once.

"Oh that's okay," I said, speaking to Karma. "You just want me to know you're on duty. I get it. You can't be bribed. I get it." Bill and I introduced ourselves and talked about the neighborhood and finally Karma inched over and sniffed the rocket pocket where I'd returned the Milk Bone box.

"No no. Nice try," said Bill, drawing her away. But not before I snuck a hand in and scratched her behind the ears which was fine with her. She'd obviously pulled a few strings and expedited the probation period.

Raven is a standard poodle puppy with dark fur, out with her two young lady friends. I think they're an all-girl family. Raven was not at all shy upon receiving my offer and being led across the street to me. She seemed to consider leaping onto my lap as I brandished the cookie. Friends immediately! She was too excited to eat it at once, or to deliver it home without dropping it accidentally onto the street. Mama scooped it up. "We'll give it back to you when we get home!"

Success! Suddenly my dog roster has caught and surpassed the cat roster.

Wait, did I say rocket pocket? I think I meant walker pocket.

Actually I think we'll stick with rocket, come to think about it. Rockets and walkers are virtually the same thing, right? Just vehicles for extending a person's... reach.

Not to be confused with the Pocket Rocket:

Henri Richard; little bro of Maurice "Rocket" Richard

My new friends

Ginger Ferrero comes to see me every day. And eagerly. Sometimes she saunters away again and later comes running over as if we're seeing each other anew, but I don't fall for that. Treats once per day and that's it. But that first day she was cautious. She came near and sniffed the air, and soon after returned and nibbled the fishy little kibbles I'd dropped on the ground for her. Since then, she comes and pokes them from my hand each day with her little nose.

Skittles Macbeth was the same way two days ago. Gave me a look and then later approached and accepted the offering for the first time.

Yesterday Patches came around for the first time (short for Patchwork Bananas el Fresco). She meowed at me twice, from twelve feet away. Maybe today she'll come dine. I'm about to make my morning coffee finally and head outside with my walker and supply of pet treats to do my exercises and tend to my folk.

None of us have been properly introduced. I'm only guessing at their names but I'm probably right.

An afterthought

The old-growth ecology of Algonquin Park was never protected. Our thirst for lumber changed everything. But we have saved the new ecology instead, and we love it. We find it beautiful in our eyes. The whole story though, from the glaciers which shaped the land to the portage routes shaped by human feet, is one of tension and violence as well as beauty. Thus a bold soundtrack choice for this latest video assemblage for poetry club.

Day 61

In a surprise move I've been suddenly transferred to a dedicated rehab ward which had been kept secret from me until now. A few things are a little different so far. Most notably is that my next door neighbour is almost certainly a dolphin.

I am hearing a distinct conversation between a man and some entity speaking in a high-pitched EHH-EHH-EHH-EHH-EHH-EHH-EHH Flipper voice.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're doubtful. You're thinking how could I possibly know who is the patient and who is the visitor. Well I'm glad you asked. Our doors meet at right-angles you see. So no dolphin visitor could have come flip-flopping past my door, into his room without me taking note of such an event. My door has been wide open since I arrived.

Case closed.

Day 40

A lot has happened fast. Kidneys finally back to normal. Infections on the cusp of defeat if not defeated. Feeling in lower body much returned. I'm able to do a tiny bit of walking using a walker and plenty of arm strength.

Perhaps I'll remain in acute care another couple weeks and then perhaps a step down to the therapy-oriented complex care ward. We'll see.

A brief chapter from history

So I did some reading about this guy from the early 20th century and concluded he wasn't very nice. Here is his story very briefly:

Adolph Hitler was born in 1889 in the Austrio-Hungarian town of Braunau-am-Inn. He could never make friends because he was terrible at sports and came from a town with a silly name. One day he met Schnitzel the Cat and something clicked. But Schnitzel hated Jewish people and told Adolf they could only be friends if he promised to get rid of them all.

Adolf discovered he did have one talent; he could scream at people and make them feel angry, especially German people. So he pretended to be German and screamed at them and they loved it so much they put him in charge, without even bothering with an election.

He and Schnitzel got to work and killed about six million Jewish people along with some handicapped people and gay people and anyone else Schnitzel didn't like, while the Germans meanwhile were very very careful not to find out what the strange couple were up to. In the German's defense, they were being wooed by the big plots of land that Adolf gifted to them which he stole from Slavic and Polish people.

Luckily some nice people from nice countries (but not Italy or Japan) got together and tried to stop Hitler and Schnitzel's hijinks. They had a big big fight in which things got carried away and a lot of other people with various axes to grind took sides and another 80 million people died from burning, starving or choking to death or from boys shooting each other 'til they bled to death while shitting their pants and crying for their moms, not understanding that they were "heroes" and it was all going to be fine.

After six years of this skirmish some surviving Russian people had Hitler surrounded in his Fury-Bunker so he married his only human friend, Eva Braun, and the very next day, a jealous Schnitzel ruined their honeymoon by murdering them both and fixing the scene to look like suicide.

Fiendish period: 1939-1945

HoF Indictment: Delusional Megalomania

HoF Sentence: 5,950,000,000 years 

HoF stands for Hall of Filth by the way. As HoF Society Admin person I'd like to thank you for attending our very first induction ceremony. I hope you approve of our first ever inductee.

Hitler, Adolf and Schnitzel

The champ

Six hours into this day I have:

• slept in magnificently
• brushed my teeth
• made a coffee
• took my pills
• went for a walk
• solved a crossword puzzle
• created a crossword puzzle for my collection
• read a chapter of Dark Tower book 8
• met a new dog named Tonks and told her pet human Tabatha the Tale of the Squirrel Invasion
• took in recycle and trash bins
• made pork chops, tomatoes and tator salad for dinner
• checked email and messenger, charged phone and updated calendar
• watched a documentary about the America's Cup
• won a game of chess
• may or may not have lost a few games as well. Shut up.
• listened to two Lemon Jelly albums

How's that for a list of accomplishments? I'm probably the champion of the world now.

Guaranteed smile!

I've been putting a lot of videos together; carefully edited compilations for the most part. The goal here was to be as cute as possible!

Rooing and Roaching

Hey hey. Remember me? It's April 50th and I'm right on track with regards to April A to Z!

Rooing: Not sure if this precisely qualifies as onomatope but a roo is when a dog makes a "roo" noise. It's more than a wimper and less than a howl. It's common in greyhounds and so, by the way, is:

Roaching: the manner in which a dog, a greyhound especially, lies on its back, usually sleeping, with its legs in the air, kind of like a prone cockroach, though I prefer to think this is not the source of the term, because greyhounds are adorable and roaches are disgusting beyond words according to my completely arbitrary sensibilities.

Question R: What RETAIL store would you choose if you could shop there for free?

The liquor store. Just kidding! The grocery store. Just kidding! The liquor store.

 

Pupparazzi

PUPPARAZZI: Independent furry four-legged celebrity-hounds who take every opportunity to hassle, hamper, trample, torment (and mostly lick) their target of the moment; namely myself. Specifically they are:

Pupparino: (top/right) A.K.A. River, Chicken Wing. 

Pupparoo: (bottom/left) A.K.A. Jetzia, Jet, Munchkin, Wee Monster, Monkey, Turkey, Whackadoodle, Barky McBarkenheimer, Poodella-Queen Of The Floor

Question P: Your favourite PET you've had.

Blue of course. Short for Bluejay. I'll never know a finer dog. Through Covid I have missed her more than ever, and dreamt of her occasionally.

Karakurbagasi

KARAKURBAGASI: a Turkish toad. And by that I mean it's just Turkish for toad. And by that I mean that this is a totally random word and I have no idea what I'm about to say. And by that I mean that this will be the worst blog post ever. 

Let's see if I can dig up something short and sweet and get you out of here so we can both get on with our lives:

Here we go. A turkey/toad chimera for your enjoyment.

Now, if that looks to you more like a bat/squirrel/ram chimera that's because you need glasses.

Hey! What's that behind you!

(runs away)

Question K: What do you miss most about being a KID?

Playing street hockey. I was damn good but its just playing I miss, rather than the recognition. And also the innocence. I assumed the world of adults would be sane and I would fine comfort in growing up. But not so.

Exosculation

Exosculate: This is a dictionary-sanctioned word. But rather than explain it I shall point you toward the following obnoxious video. There are no rewards for watching the whole thing to the end (other than, it improves as it goes along), but if you're watching this during the Time Of The Great Plague... you possibly have nothing better to do. 

Question E: What is your most EXCELLENT memory? 

This is really tough. All my best memories are too intimate for - well, not for the internet, but for such spaces as this which serve ordinary decent people who respect ordinary decent superstitions around love and physical affection.

As for printable great memories: there are a few heroic sports moments; some vacation adventures; many family celebrations on the farm; a hundred good times with my best friend; cuddling on a park bench with I. S. watching the moon, snuggling with my dobie, Blue on my bed on weekend mornings, my first Rush concert, finishing my first novel... I can't pick one.

The vid was a hatchet job. It'll be messy:

Drummerboying

Drummerboying: This is where you give a gift that is probably useless but its the only thing you have to offer. For a while now I've been working on a gift for a special friend who is really under the gun currently and could use a doctor, a maid, an errand boy, a PSW, some cash and some new body parts. Instead she's getting a video.

Pa rum pum pum-pum.

Question D: Your favourite breed of DOG?

Doberman. Because Blue was a doberman. But I have been very enamored with greyhounds lately, So much so that I would say they're a very close second. I think Dobermans are primarily an off-shoot of greyhounds anyway.

Here's a sneak peak of the video's opening sequence:

Agendocide

Agendocide: This is when an entire population of healthy goals and planning and diarizing gets gunned down by a lazy slob - or by someone who is hampered by serious medical and mobility issues but who is never entirely sure if they might actually secretly just be a lazy slob.

This one is celebrating Agendocide Day with a pretty serious bout of productivity:

I brushed my teeth today, spent some time outside, had a coffee, engaged in numerous phone calls in response to urgent affairs in Grampa Munster's corner (more on that later), spoke to a Health Network to clear up some medical needs and schedule an occupational therapist assessment, worked on an important video (more on that later) and did a little planning with a great pal with regards to April Camp Nano and April A-to-Z blogging.

And yeah: welcome to A-to-Z blogging! I'm gonna be busy plopping posts on this page six days a week. Sorry about your luck.

Question A: What non-traditional ANIMAL might you like as a pet?

Hmmm... honestly, a Bengal tiger because I could make him a mascot of the lacrosse team. I think he'd help draw a pretty good crowd. And hopefully not eat them.

Vegetable of the Week

As promised, we're caving in to pressure and bestowing the belligerent cucumber with coveted Vegetable of the Week honours, despite vocal outrage from the cat community.

Thanks goes to Aqualad and Macka B for their persistent lobbying on Cu-Cumba's behalf. The latter produced the following video propaganda. Rumours that the original lyrics contained the lines "great hydrater... not a vibrator" could not be confirmed.

Here's your certificate, cucumber. Now get lost.

Sincere apologies to the feline community. Please view the following brief educational video we have put together for your enlightenment:

Two-minute panda therapy: Pandamondayum

Hey I tried to keep it brief this time! The track is Young Lion by Vampire Weekend. I hope you enjoy...

A Lion's Heart

Urge that Canadian cruelty to pigs end sooner, rather than later.

My ride:  Starfield el Cosmos

Covid19 Survival Guide: Page 11

For those times when you just can't bring yourself to be productive, or to engage in a creative project: Twenty links with excellent distraction power. Don't wait. Add them to your bookmarks at once! 

http://drawing.garden/

https://alwaysjudgeabookbyitscover.com/

http://www.omfgdogs.com/#

https://www.mapcrunch.com/

https://quickdraw.withgoogle.com/#

http://nooooooooooooooo.com/

http://whitetrash.nl

http://www.stuffonmycat.com

http://simonpanrucker.com

http://www.omglasergunspewpewpew.com/

https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

https://neave.com/

http://www.patience-is-a-virtue.org/

Bad Lip Reading

https://www.boredpanda.com/

https://theoatmeal.com/

https://asoftmurmur.com/

http://theonion.com

https://www.ted.com/

and finally:

https://theuselessweb.com/

... for a random useless web site.

Yep. It's Pandamondayum.

Here's a somewhat longer piece of panda therapy I cobbled together mostly from clips from the It's A Pandaful Life! documentary by Russia Today.

The track is Epona by Enya from album The Celts. Granted pandas do not self-identify as Celtic as far as we know but they're far too lazy to object.

Child of Nature

Urge Kijiji to join the growing movement against brutal puppy mills and the proliferation of euthanasia of friendly adoptable dogs.

SMP map room construction begins

Pandamondayum!

 Another one-minute panda therapy compilation I threw together. The music here is by Deerhoof: Patrasche Come Back from 2016 album The Magic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WikdpReo4TU