Ask FWG

Bored from Toronto writes:

I'm bored.

Dear Bored: You can't possibly be bored in this world. We've got cell phones, bobble heads, fidget spinners, Kardashians, Joe Rogan, Kim Jong Un, Westboro Baptists, Flat Earthers, Fast & Furiouses, scream-o, planking, edible underwear, leaf blowers, democracy, Christianity and truck nutz to keep us deliriously entertained. What more do you need?

Have you tried a leaf blower?

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - edition seven

Once again, These are my answers to the legitimate web search queries that led innocent surfers to click on Fantasy Writer Guy:

g1test fee
If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

Streetsville nut house
All are welcome. See you when you get here.

blinded by the light wrapped up like a dues
Like a dues? A dues? Are you kidding me? What’s that? Like a library dues? Your insane. Go sit in the corner and keep quiet.

sobeys nacho dip ingredients
Tomatoes, modified milk solids, jalapino peppers, onion powder, tapioca starch, elephant sperm, artificial colour, calcium extract, citric acid.

packed up like a deuce
Is that you again? Get back in the corner. Honestly. Packed? Get the wax out.

toronto "cat detector"
Voila: The Toronto Cat Detector:

how do you know you have a lump in the middle of your chest and it is not the sternum
If it speaks to you at night and whispers such things as, “I am not your sternum” or “Go and kill your father” or anything really. Authentic sternums are most definitely mute.

breakfast sausage
Holy crap! I can’t believe my little old blog came up number 3 according to South Korea’s most popular web search portal! I must be all the rage in South Korea! Sorry. To answer your question, you can usually be certain it’s a breakfast sausage and not a penis if you find it resting on a plate alongside some eggs and toast. But even then you should proceed with caution. An exploratory poke is always a good idea.

1408 what brand of cognac Cusack
I don’t know. What brand of rye guy?
What brand of vodka Vladika?
What brand of rum chum?

"madd scientists"
A committee of leading Physicists bent on the quest to determine how little red ribbons may be fixed to automobile radio antennas; lead by Dr. Alfred McSobershtingein. Also the name of an excellent blues band that very sadly, broke up.

FWG Jeans
A popular brand of apparel back when I was a kid. Until Wayne Gretzky did a commercial for them and all my clever little contemporaries began saying that FWG stood for “Fag, Wayne Gretzky” which drove the brand to extinction. No, wait a minute. It was “Gay Wayne Gretzky”. Yeah, that’s right because it was GWG jeans. Not FWG. I think you meant to say GWG. I think you made a smelling pistake. Ha ha ha! Get it? That’s a clever way to say ‘spelling mistake’. Ha ha ha. I’m so funny.

camel toe
What? You keep hearing the joke but you don’t get it? Don’t feel bad. I didn’t either for a while and now I wish I still didn’t. The answer is two, by the way. Per foot that is. Eight altogether.

cubical makeover
You spelled cubicle wrong, dipshit. Oh. And so did I. Okay, never mind.

sixteen discussion questions in back of the alchemist
They are as follows:
1. How do you turn lead into gold?
2. How do you turn gold into lead?
3. How do you turn water into wine?
4. What is your favorite colour?
5. What is the average airborne velocity of an unladen African swallow?
6. What is the average airborne velocity of an unladen European swallow?
7. How many bloggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
8. Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?
9. What was your mother drinking the night she became pregnant with you?
10. How many children did George Bush Sr. have that lived?
11. Tell me why Bob Geldof doesn’t like Mondays
12. How many times is the F-word spoken in the film Scarface?
13. Do you want to pet my monkey?
14. Why doesn’t Flumadiddle come around anymore?
15. How do you spell relief?
16. Is that a half-roll of dimes in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?


The information provided above is correct to the best of the author’s knowledge at the time of this release. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; data loss, stutter, chronic tardiness, arthritis, shingles, contagious penis, explosive sneezery, coastal erosion, gum disease, lead foot, shrinkage, quivers down your backbone, shakes in your thigh bone or Indian rub burn.

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - edition six

Once again - My answers to recent Google queries that led new readers here:

1. ex-employee canadian tire
There are many to choose from. Bill Smith Jr, for instance, dismissed when caught embezzling thousands in Canadian Tire Money; Serge Laurent who resigned and went on to breed and train boneless chickens for NASA; and Jo-Jo P. Nelson who died on the job upon operating a Mastercraft Wiener Roaster and Marble Polisher improperly. These are just three out of thousands.

2. Who sang--Tempted by the fruit..
No. Sorry. They didn’t. They sang Can’t Explain, Pinball Wizard and My Generation but they never sang Tempted By The Fruit. No way, Jose.

3. tim hortons "every cup tells a story"
That's correct. They do. But first you have to drink all the coffee out of it (plug your nose to make this more bearable). Then hold the empty cup over your ear and listen for the story. Oh – almost forgot. You have to be psychotic, schizophrenic and delusional for this to work. And being a Tim Hortons customer – you quite likely are.

4. where to get a chili dog in Mississauga
Easy. My place. But only on Superbowl Sunday.

5. blinded by the light writer
Yeah, that Light Writer’s a bitch. He’ll zap your eyes out with his laser beans.

6. bags octopus
Nobody bags octopi like Cooter And Sons Octopus Baggers. For all your seafood bagging needs. Our Mini Squid Pockets make great stocking stuffers. Mention this ad for 10% discount.

7. wild buffalo sauce
Mmmm… A seasonal favorite:
21 lbs ground horse
6 cups pine oil
36 cups sugar
3 cups salt
15 oz hickory extract
12 lbs onions, minced
1 eye of newt or 2 eyes baby newt
Boil, stir. Serve with 1 herd chilled buffalo heads. Feeds 200.

8. extreme rubber fantasy hospital
Ah, yes. One of my favorite daytime soaps. In this week’s episodes, Ryan and Candace filed for divorce, Mrs. Carbuncle was diagnosed with uvula cancer, Kevin James learned that his favorite prostitute is actually his presumed-dead cousin and Mary-Anne’s left ear turned into a ball peen hammer. There you go. You’re caught up.

9. peter pan fucks wendy
No. No he doesn’t. Not ever. Does your mom know what you do with your computer? You really need more supervision, you little freak.

10. ottawa office slut fantasy
Wow. The perverts are finally coming out of the woodwork. Well, this is a bit too involved to share here but I can tell you it ends with Prime Minister Harper receiving a uranium enema from a 98-year-old prostitute while being asphyxiated.

11. tinkerbell and peter pan fucking
You can’t be serious. How is that even possible? No. No wait. Never mind. I don’t want to know. Just get the hell out of here.

12. Hooked on Peter Pan
Yeah. You’re not the only one, apparently.

13. john chalupka
Hi John. Long time, no see!

14. flickr crossdressers that suck on each other
Ah, thank you. A nice wholesome perversion. What a refreshing change.

15. Scott Regher
Hi Scott! Long time, no see!

16. apple annie's plains review burlington
Again, space here is limited. But here’s the speed review:
Pancakes: big ‘n fluffy.
Eggs: unfertilized.
Bacon: slippery.
Coffee: Eventually, if you’re lucky. Grounds at no extra charge.
Pubic hair: One per menu.

17. car battery to testicles car
Whatever this means – go right ahead. I’m sure it can’t go wrong.

18. famous Steve-o quotes
No problem. Coming right up…

The information provided above is correct to the best of the author’s knowledge at the time of this release. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; weight loss, weight gain, squeaky shoe, varicose veins, light bruising, delayed puberty, shopaholism, agoraphobia, nymphomania, PMS, societal delusion, flatulence, sudden blindness, China syndrome or laryngitis.

Image ungraciously ripped from www.laboutiquedelpowerpoint.com

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - edition 5

Again, these are the google searches (in bold) that lead unsuspecting web surfers to find their way to this blog. I have here provided them with the answers to their questions (in non-bold). So there.

1. how funky is your chicken how loose is your goose movie
He’s normally funkier but he’s a little hung over today. But our goose movies are always loose. In fact we have the loosest goose movies in the Golden Horseshoe Area.

2. ybo how to pronounce
Like this: “ee-bow”. As in “Ybo’s connected to the… thighbo. Thighbo’s connected to the… hippo…” Got it?

3. Xiphisternum cat
Well, it’s like this, see. There was an old lady who swallowed a cat (imagine that!) and it got lodged in her xiphisternum and there it sat. I think she swallowed the cat to catch a mouse but I don’t know why she swallowed the fly. I mean – mouse.

4. fantasy guy hero names
There are far too many to mention but some of the key ones:
King Arthur
Gandalf
Sir Lancelot
Fafhrd
Gray Mouser
King Peter
Conan
Gord the Rogue
Fido McSnoochpoodle
Henry the Amazing Xiphisternum Cat
Binky Binkelstinks
Lola the Flirtatious Crossdressing Garden Druid
Hercules
Frodo
Snuggaroot the Very Small Dwarf (Gasp! That reminds me – I’ve totally dropped the ball on the Cayber Crystal chronicles. Bad Fwig. Bad. Slapping self on wrist…)

5. naughty n nice in Oakville

That’s easy. Naughty:
Bob Runciman and every jerk that voted for him.
Nice:
Everyone else.

6. Squirrelfucker
Again, Bon Runciman (if the rumours are true).

7. read first time guy fantasy making love
Gosh, my first ever making-love fantasy? That was a long time ago. If I correctly recall, it involved a pair of twin hermaphrodites, a camel and a lot of rubber boots filled with sand. No, wait. It was butterscotch pudding. Shall I go on?

8. "the vision test" question 48 hallpass
Question 48: Does it hurt when I poke you in the eye with my finger?

9. answers to the vision test+question 48 hallpass
Well, I don’t condone cheating but okay, here’s the answer to question 48:
Ouch! Hey! Cut that out! Hey, that’s not your finger…

10. mock knowledge tests for ontario drivers
That’s fine. I mock them too. Watch this:
Hey knowledge tests! You suck! That’s right! G1 and G2 questions are for pussies!

11. Ontario Geography in simple words
Hilly
Watery
Trees
Roads
Cat
Dog
Boy

12. How not to write a fantasy novel
There are many many wrong ways to write a fantasy novel. This is just one:
Once upon a time there was a woman named Sheila who worked in the Department of Taxation and Excise. She liked to eat Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch. One day she stuck some of her soup noodles up her nose and stomped around the office growling and shouting, “I AM THE KRAKEN!”. Her coworkers panicked. She looked like a real kraken. So they beat her to death with their staplers and three-hole-punches and drank her blood. The end.

This is actually some excellent literature. The only problem is – it’s too short. You’d have to include about 200 pages describing the soup. Use simple words like “watery”.

The information provided above is correct to the best of the author’s knowledge at the time of this release. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; hearing loss, degenerative disk, stubbed toe, poked eye, rug burn, wet spots, racing stripe, run-on sentences, tooth decay, moral decay, tennis elbow, continental drift, hot flashes or parvo.

Image sneakily lifted from photobucket.com

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - edition 4

More google questions. more answers.

1. deseronto hanger storage
For how many hangers? I have an uncle in Marysville who’s only using half his hall closet. I’m sure he could use the cash. Oh. Or did you mean hangar? I don’t think he has room for a plane.

2. pin her down struggle fantasy
Oh no. Oh dear. There goes the pervert alarm again. Why do I get so many perverts here? Look – I can’t help you with your struggle fantasy. Isn’t there a 976-number you can call?

3. guy noples
They’re mostly the same as girl noples but much more difficult to squeeze milk out of.

4. At the mercy of caning officer
Oh gawd, there it goes again. Can someone please reset the damn pervert alarm? Why me?

5. g2 oakville rout
Oh I’m so sick of these drive-test questions I could scream. 90 per-cent of my traffic is would-be motorists getting side-tracked while looking for drive test info. That and perverts. What a sad state of affairs.

6. lipoma forehead picture
I’m sorry. We’re fresh out of lipoma forehead pictures but can I interest you in a shot of Bob Runciman with three foreheads each bearing a swastika? No charge.

7. g2 oakville route
Oh – you again. And you remembered the ‘e’ this time. Good for you. But you forgot that clicking ‘Fantasy Writer Guy’ doesn’t lead you to the government drive test web site after all. Strange. You’d think it would, eh? Why don’t you go back and try it one more time?

8. fruitopia stain
Depends where the stain is. Is it on your bed sheets? Do you engage in rough sex? It might not be Fruitopia. Start by soaking in cold water. If that doesn’t work, let me know.

9. passing grade for g1 test Ontario
Piss off. Go away.

10. I fuck you back to ın the vevenıng!!!
Well! I guess I’ve been told. But really – change it up now and then. Try a little mormning session some time.

11. "jack handy" "deep thoughts" pickle jar
Yes. It’s true. Jack stores all his deep thoughts in pickle jars. Sometimes he has a hard time getting them out. He tries to stab them with a fork and the damn things just bob around, you know? It’s exasperating.

12. dvd ontario g1 drivers licence
Don’t rent it. It sucked. Lame plot, wooden characters and the car-chase was awful. They never went over 55 mph.

13. knowledge test for ontario,s written and vision test questions and answers
It’s called the Drivers Handbook. Buy it. Read it. Stop trying to cheat, you cretin.

14. imbibage
J’ne parle pas Francais, monsieur.

15. G1 testing centre eglinton Mississauga
Snorples. That’s right. I said snorples. It’s my web site and I can say snorples any time I please. Just try and stop me.

16. driving exams 5555 eglinton avenue west
Snorples to you too, Jack.

17. fantasy pictures wrath lust envy
That’s it? What about greed, pride, sloth and – and – crap. Why can I never remember all of the 7 deadly fantasy pictures?

18. purchasing naan bread in etobicoke
It’s quite easy. Really. You just say, ‘I’ll have some naan bread please.’ And they’ll give you some and ask for some money and you give them the money. It’s really nothing to fret over. Just tell the merchant it’s your first time. I’m sure she’ll be gentle and help you along if you get confused.

The information above has been tested on a closed track by professional drivers. Do not attempt at home. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss, motion sickness, dimentia, groin pull, purple nurple, burnt toast, night sweat, goose pimples, heart palpitations, compulsive masturbation, split ends, hang-nails, terrorist bombing or unpopped kernels.

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - numero tres

1. what is emergency roadside stop G2 road test
There’s actually a lot of leeway on this. The important thing is not to intentionally hit anything and regardless, put your emergency break on upon coming to a stop.

2. eye examination for a g1 license?
Correct. And you must have two eyes to pass. Not one, not three. Furthermore your two eyes must be pointing in generally the same direction – with minor allowance granted.

3. harry cartner Ontario
See that, Harry? They were looking for you – and found me! ME! Sucker.

4. G1 written test Ottawa
There’s no testing in Ottawa. As long as you work for the government in any capacity, they give you a car and a driver. And if you don’t work for the government, what in blazes are you doing in Ottawa?

5. g1 test passing grade
Passing grade is 20 out of 20. They will lie and say that you have passed if you get between 16 and 19 but then they will break into your home that night and strangle you with barbed wire – unless you knelt and licked their shoes upon them giving you your “passing grade.” Remember – lick or die.

6. Philthy McNasty's where Peel Pub used to be
Remember how you got there when it was Peel Pub? Do the same thing. You’ll get there. I know it’s a difficult concept but trust me on this.

7. carried along overhead track, diapering station, ankles lifted
Oh dear. We have no S&M material on this web site. Now please go away, you sick, sick little monkey.

8. "sylvie ruel" fantasy
Grrrrrrrrrrr! Sylvie Ruel fantasies are okay! I have them too. In my fantasies I tie her down to the bed, steal her money and go and pay her overdue Reliance Home Comfort bills.

9. g1+test+Mississauga+Eglinton
…equals 42. Just kidding! It equals a rip-roaring good time with Jason the gentle drive-inspector man. Just relax, breathe normally and enjoy yourself. And try not to fart loudly.

10. kung foo dialogue
I can’t provide the entire kung foo dictionary contents in this space but here are the top 10:
- HIYAA!
- WHOOAAA!
- YAA!
- HUHH!
- WHOAAAAAAAAAH!
- Ouch!
- HEEYAAH!
- Ow, my hand!
- Oh shit, was that REAL wood?
- Time out! I’m losing my drawers here.

11. rant on General Motors
Who wouldn’t? Well, except for the Klan, maybe. Or Bob Runciman.

12. Ontario G1 actual test
All DriveTest centres in Ontario – other than Oakville - now use actual tests. This was legislated after many applicants given the virtual reality tests suffered heart attacks upon confrontation by Smorgenbraack the giant three-headed car-eating monster, planted in the DriveTest simulators by teenage hackers. In Oakville centres the virtual tests still persist in which a giant three-headed Bob Runciman murders all applicants who are not white, wealthy and heterosexual.

13. ontario G1 cheat test
How comforting to know we share the road with drivers who don’t know how to drive but wish to cheat instead. Excellent. Here are the answers:
1. Green light means stop.
2. Red light means go.
3. Drive on the left side of the centre-line.
All other questions are trick questions and should be left blank. Good luck with your cheating.

The information above is provided for entertainment purposes only – much like fortune cookies or Don Cherry. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; salmonella, wandering-eye, drive-by-shooting, buggery, buffoonery, stress-induced acne, brewer’s droop, power-corruption, political apathy, hyperventilation, gas, hairy palm or juvenile delinquency.

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - 2nd edition

I think this went over well last time. Let’s answer some more questions for the good folk who inadvertently googled their way to this web site, shall we?

1. pianos mavis eglinton
Well – I know there’s a Dollar n’ Value store at Mavis and Eglinton but I think they only sell tiny miniature pianos – suitable for 12-inch pianists.

2. canadarm taking off
1. Fully extend arm away from space shuttle.
2. Remove bolts E and F using hex wrench provided.
3. Pull Canadarm socket housing away from shuttle wall.
4. Plug holes E and F with chewing gum to prevent precious oxygen from leaking into space. Or if Dutch, use your fingers.

3. caesar salad boston pizza food poisoning
This will certainly work but there are easier methods. Try licking the floor at No Frills or French-kissing a turtle.

4. how much do you need to pass a written g1 test
Let’s add it up, shall we?
Ontario Driver’s Handbook…$5
Test Fee……………………..$10
Provincial tax……………….$0.7
Blue flex-grip pen…………..$1
Crashing into a lamp post causing road-test inspector to poke his eye out with his own pencil……..priceless.

5. where to give G1 written test in Mississauga
5555 Eglinton Avenue. Ask for Jason. He’s nice.

6. oakville G2 drive test track
Sorry. I don’t know Oakville. Any town that re-elects Bob Runciman, slimiest filthiest sub-human politician since Hitler is a place to be terrified of and to keep the hell away from at all costs.

7. G1 test Ontario
Look, I’m not answering any more questions about G1 or G2 tests so just knock it off.

8. MTO drive test center brampton G1 road test route
What did I JUST SAY?

9. g2 driver license exam Ottawa
Stop it, people. I’m not kidding.

10. exercises for G1 written test for drivers in Canada
STOP IT! STOP IT! For the love of god, you’re killing me!

11. ontario g1 test cheats
(I’m not listening I’m not listening I’m not listening…)

12. poem when mother tacked a confort to the door
What the-? Well, okay. I’ll give it a try…

There are just three things I vehemently deplore,
Which I pray should plague my doorstep nevermore.
One is wondering what has washed ashore;
Two’s to do with sisters named Gabor.
But the occasion I most stridently abhor,
Is when mother tacks a confort to the door.

13. god of war 2 cheats codes soluces usa
What is that? A video game? Look, we don’t use words like soluces around here. What kind of place do you think we’re running here? Oh, and no more ‘confort’ either.

14. sylvie ruel
Who’s asking? Is that you, Reliance-home-comfort? You little turdburgers! Stop mailing me! I swear, don’t make me come over there.

15. chinese apetizer with herbs and spices
What is Kung Foo Noodles. Things you slurp into your mouth for 200, Alex!


The information provided above is in no way expected to be useful. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; obesity; hemorrhoids; noodlephobia; pinworm; OCD; cauliflower ear; identity theft; saddle-ass; runny nose, mass hysteria or Tourette Syndrome.

Ask FWG, not Jeeves

It amuses me now and then to see what sort of search strings people have googled that led them to finding this web site. The providers of the site counter software publish this kind of reporting. I'm now stealing a page from the playbook of the most excellent unholy Flumadiddle (sorry Babs!) and providing the answers to the questions that unwittingly led folks here. It's the least I can do. But check out Flumadiddle's Desperately Seeking article to enjoy the true master at work. It's a hoot!

1. chevy silverado rumbling noise
It’s nothing to worry about. It just means your truck is about to explode. This is what you get for buying a vehicle from a bunch of creepy white-supremacists. No one will miss you when you’re dead.

2. cheats for "The Vision Test" presented by hall pass
Don’t bother. You won’t prosper.

3. fantasy writer guy
That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.

4. dollar'n'value
It’s a store at Eglinton and Mavis in Mississauga, Ontario. Every single item in the store either A) costs a dollar – or B) costs some amount other than a dollar. Kind of like every other store in existence. While there – why not pick up some FWG bedroom candles? They make great Chanuka gifts.

5. oink moo cock-a-doodle-doo barbecue sauce
Try aisle 5 – Should be right next to the HeeHaw-Ribbit donkeyfrog sauce.

6. sylvie ruel streetsville
Who the hell knows? I’m looking for her too. Join the club.

7. "This is our philosophy" "this is our purpose"
This is our knees. This is our toes. This is our eyesearsmouthandnose.

8. buy gibby's salad dressing montreal
Yes! By all means! And pick up a couple jars for me while you’re at it! I loves the Gibby’s salad dressing!

9. crazy for marma glaze
Well I guess you’d have to be, wouldn’t you?

10. cadbury and wonderbars
I’ll tell you one time: Wunderbar. With a ‘U’. Get your shit together.

11. soupcanblog.blogspot.com
Yes. That’s the correct address. Next time just type it straight into your browser’s address bar and skip the middle man.

12. Philippe Yostos
He was a merry old soul, he was. He had a pipe and a something-er-other and three fiddlers and – oh wait. That’s old King Cole, not Philippe Yostos. Never mind. You stumped me.

13. cowboy coffee kamloops jesus
Krazy brand. That’s right. When in Kamloops, Jesus drinks Krazy brand cowboy coffee, ground fresh by real Kamloopian mountain cowboys. Because nobody grinds like a mountain cowboy.

14. wedding speechers
Yeah. Um. You might want to go back and take your grade-one speeching over again and then try your search again.

15. birthday "couldn't ask for a better brother" but i think mom's too old
Dear brother: Stop googling everything I say or do in order to find my blog! Just bookmark the bloody address already!

16. streetsville crazy people
Please refine your search. All people in Streetsville are crazy.

17. where is xiphisternum
Should be about 16 inches north of your naughty bits.

The information provided above is correct to the best of the author’s knowledge at the time of this release. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; hair loss; spontaneous combustion; spontaneous orgasm; jet lag; alien abduction; death; near-death; rigor mortis; split ends; anal fissures; potato blight; bubonic plague; binge shopping or thermonuclear inversion.