Lounging at Sandy Shores Manor: Intro

Introduction

This story is entirely true and accurate except that people and places have been renamed in order to protect the innocent and the guilty and the monstrous. This is not being told primarily to entertain, though maybe it will? It's being told out of utter necessity, and with a very specific audience in mind. In the future, when liability is no longer a burning issue, all will be explained. If you don't find it entertaining or relevant to you, then I invite you to skip further installments. Each will contain "Sandy Shores" in the title.

It's the story of Fatso and his days of languor at Sandy Shores Manor, located at the crossroads of Sandy Shores Road and Lindon's Hearse Lane. It's the story of Fatso the Contemptuous, Yougenius the Angelic, Krisastor the Disaster and The Baron; Warden of Kindness & Sanity.

I suspect the chapters will be very brief. Tune in tomorrow for entry number one, if you dare, and have painfully little else to do!

Cheers.

The final event

Welcome to day four of the Search Engine Olympics. Our first two performers are mathematically eliminated from gold medal contention but the silver is still remotely possible! Everyone else still has a shot at gold. And here's the question for the final round:

In the Harry Potter chronicles is Snape a good guy or bad guy?

ASK.COM: There are seven total “Harry Potter” books. All of the books were published by Scholastic between September 1998 and July 2007. 

Judges: 1.0 / 1.2 / 1.0 / 1.0 / 0.8

Well, it's official. The Askies are morons!

ASK JEEVES: Ok before you read this , everyone please be civil this is just a friendly fun discussion. Let me start by saying this. Ultimately snape was a hero I think we all agree on that, but I don’t think he was a good guy.

Judges: 9.0 / 8.5 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.5

Excellent performance, and suddenly the worst team for much of these games has leapt into fourth place for the moment. No medals for Jeeves but they might escape the cellar!

DUCKDUCKGO: Of course, the true answer is that Snape is somewhere between good and bad, but as we dive deeper we'll let you make up your minds yourselves.

Judges: 8.5 / 8.0 / 7.5 / 8.0 / 8.0

Oooh! That was a pretty decent performance by the quackers! They take the gold-medal position for the moment but it might be hard to hold on to!

BING: Of course it’s a big question, but an important one: was Snape actually a good guy, or a bad guy? Is it even possible to measure? Probably not, but let's unpick one of the wizarding world's most textured characters anyway.

Judges: 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.1 / 9.1

Undecisive but right on track and Bing takes the lead with the duckies in second and Yandex third but still to perform today!

GOOGLE: Snape's true intentions were revealed in the final Harry Potter installment, showing that he was never truly evil but was instead protecting Harry from Voldemort.

Judges: 9.0 / 9.5 / 9.5 / 9.8 / 9.7

Oh my! Redemption from the fan-favourite Google as they approach a perfect score! And they leap into the lead and guarantee themselves a medal! Only Yandex and Yahoo could possibly catch them.

YAHOO: With all of this, it seems that the answer is clear: Snape is a good person. Unfortunately, things are a lot more complicated than they appear.

Judges: 9.5 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 8.5

And Yahoo jumps into silver position at 19.0 total, just behind Google at 19.2 and the ducksters have been bumped from medal contention. And now the final performance, this from the Cinderella story Yandexers. At 12.1 after three days, they need a score of just 3.7 to claim the bronze medal, 7.0 for the silver and 7.2 for to snatch the gold from the suddenly-competent Googlers! Here we go:

YANDEX: Severus Snape is a fictional character in J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. He is an exceptionally skilled wizard whose extremely cold and resentful exterior conceals deep emotions and anguish. A Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Snape is hostile to Harry due to his resemblance to his father James Potter, who bullied Snape during their time together at Hogwarts.

Judges: 8.0 / 8.0 / 7.9 / 8.3 / 7.8

And they've done it! Yandex took charge on day one and never let go. Gold medal champions! Google disappointed perhaps, with silver and Yahoo with bronze. Thanks for joining us at these inaugural Search Engine Olympic Games! Let's never do this again.

YANDEX  20.1
GOOGLE  19.2
YAHOO!  19.0
BING    15.7
D.D.GO  13.1
JEEVES  9.6
ASK.COM 1.4

And now for the closing ceremonies:

Day 3! Could this be the turning point?

Welcome back, ladies and germs! Isn't this the most exciting thing ever! Let's get straight to the action! Today's question:

With only chocolate, marshmallows and graham crackers available, what could I possibly make for dinner?

ASK JEEVES: Graham Cracker Crust From Scratch 

Judges: 0.4 / 0.6 / 0.5 / 0.9 / 0.6

Well that was horrible and yet a victory of sorts. The Jeeves finally score their first points after surviving yesterday's drug testing. Frankly everyone was expecting them to be banned from the games. So... there's still hope for them I guess.

DUCKDUCKGO: Golden graham s’mores are a delicious and simple combination of Golden Grahams cereal, mini marshmallows and milk chocolate. These simultaneously crunchy and chewy bars are a great no-bake treat for the whole family.

Judges: 4.9 / 5.0 / 5.0 / 5.1 / 5.0

Not a profound understanding of the question but they were in the right neighborhood. I thought the judges could have been a little more lenient, frankly.

YAHOO! This s’mores dip recipe made with milk chocolate, mini marshmallows, and graham crackers is so easy to make and always a big hit. Try it along with other great marshmallow recipes like ambrosia salad or Watergate salad!

Judges: 9.9 / 9.9 / 9.8 / 9.9 / 9.9

OH MY GOD: I think we just witnessed an Olympic calibre performance! Let's hope it's not the last! Yahoo has definitely leapt into medal contention!

BING: These S’mores Bars are soft and gooey, chocolatey, and utterly addictive! Layers of sweet mini marshmallows, Hershey’s chocolate, and graham crackers sit atop a cookie dough base. It’s an easy to make dessert that everyone from toddlers to grandparents love!

Judges: 6.5 / 6.6 / 6.5 / 6.5 / 6.4

Definitely Bing's best performance of these 2024 games. It continues to be a banner day for most competitors! And now the struggling favorite who entered the day in bronze position: 

GOOGLE: Quick, easy, and delicious indoor S'mores. They're messy but tasty.

Judges: 9.4 / 9.6 / 9.1 / 9.9 / 9.5

Second best performance of the day so far!

ASK.COM: Try The Delicious Taste of Kinder Bueno

Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.1 / 0.0

Oh my. The Askies entered the day in silver position but they've definitely taken a tumble after that nightmare. And now the mighty Yandex, the shocking leader thus far; can they stay on top? 

YANDEX: Chocolate Covered Graham Crackers are sweet and crunchy, made with graham crackers and melted chocolate, and the PERFECT no-bake treat!

Judges: 5.0 / 5.8 / 5.2 / 5.5 / 6.0

Oh boy! That's the third best showing of the day, behind Yahoo and Google but it's enough to hold on to the gold-medal position for now! Tune in tomorrow for the final event!

YANDEX  12.1
YAHOO!  10.0
GOOGLE  9.7
BING    6.7
D.D.GO  5.1
JEEVES  0.6
ASK.COM 0.4

Day Two

Welcome back to the Search Engine Olympics! Today's event:

How much does Justin Trudeau profit from his role in the ongoing destruction of humanity and the biosphere?

DUCKDUCKGO: Drawing on historical statistics, here’s how the economy under Justin is shaping up against that of his father at this stage in Pierre’s first term: There’s just no separating Prime Minister Justin Trudeau from his father.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.0 / 0.2 / 0.1

Okay. Well there's an interesting collection of words.

YAHOO! After 8 years in power, what is Justin Trudeau’s legacy — and how will he cement it? Justin Trudeau led the Liberals to electoral victory in 2015, when the party began the federal election campaign with just three dozen MPs in the House of Commons.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.1 /0.1 / 0.1

Oh my. Are we in for a second day of utter dysfunction? Well at least these two competitors received scores. They were both disqualified from yesterday's event.

ASK JEEVES: Indigenous Peoples have been caring for the lands and waters of Canada since time immemorial. First Nations, Inuit, and Métis have unique relationships with nature and knowledge of responsible stewardship as a way of life.

Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0

Well then... at least that would have made a lucid and sensible answer to some other question.

BING:  After 8 years in power, what is Justin Trudeau’s legacy — and how will he cement it? Justin Trudeau led the Liberals to electoral victory in 2015, when the party began the federal election campaign with just three dozen MPs in the House of Commons.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.1 /0.1 / 0.1

Interesting. Bing and Yahoo have turned out an identical performance. A meaningless one but identical.

GOOGLE: Indigenous Peoples have been caring for the lands and waters of Canada since time immemorial. First Nations, Inuit, and Métis have unique relationships with nature and knowledge of responsible stewardship as a way of life.

Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0

And likewise Google has jumped in bed with Ask Jeeves. I suppose this sort of thing was bound to happen sooner or later.

ASK.COM: Canada does not have a president. The head of government in Canada is the Prime Minister, and that position is held by Justin Trudeau. The federal government sits in the country’s national capital, Ottawa, Ontario.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.2 / 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.0

Okay. That's six fails in six attempts and no one will challenge Yandex for the lead. Lets see what yesterday's lone performer can do today:

YANDEX: 51-year-old Justin Trudeau is the wealthiest prime minister in the world. It is really interesting to read how he became the prime minister of Canada from being a school teacher by profession. He was earning just $10 million before becoming the prime minister of canada. Currently, Justin Trudeau net worth is over $98 Million USD (approx). 

Judges: 2.1 / 2.0 / 2.5 / 3.1 / 2.8

Well that was a dog's dinner. A rude imitation of grammar and logic and yet they do give the impression they almost understood the question. Let's see the standings after two days of competition:

YANDEX  6.6
ASK.COM 0.4
GOOGLE  0.2
BING    0.2
YAHOO!  0.1
D.D.GO  0.1
JEEVES  0.0

Day One!

Okay, folk(s): We're making this up as we go. It's called Discovery Blogging! (I made that up.)

Event #1: Why do people pretend to like rap "music"?

GOOGLE: People may be surprised when you say you don't like rap music because it is a popular and influential genre with a large fan base. 

Judges: 0.0  / 0.2 / 0.2 / 0.5 / 0.1

Ouch! That was a brutal failure. I don't think Google understood the question! Next:

BING:  Rap Requires Skill Not just anyone can become a rapper and not just anyone can even try to rap with success.

Judges: 0.0  / 0.1 / 0.0 / 0.4 / 0.0

Oh dear. This is not a good start. Nerves maybe? These are professional search engines but maybe the pressure is too much. Who's next?

ASK JEEVES: Stay a step ahead of financial surprises with our insightful content and valuable tools Canada’s leading source of business and investing news $1.99 per week for 52 weeks

Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0

Wow. I don't know what to say.

ASK.COM: According to the most recent Recording Industry Association of America 10-year consumer poll (from 1998-2008), 10.7 percent of Americans bought at least one album or recording of rap music in 2008.

Judges: 0.1 / 0.3 / 0.6 / 0.2 / 0.3

Oh, now this is unfortunate. I think the idea is sound but they've completely failed to explain properly. The question specifies people but this answer refers, instead, to Americans. Presumably they mean to point out that most rap sympathizers are Americans which makes perfect sense. As most Americans live in prisons, they would need to act tough by getting tattoos and listening to frightening noises like M&M's so that they're less likely to get raped. If only they could have found the lucidity to put this into words!

YAHOO! Origin Unreachable Error ID: ee406c25-9aa5-41f0-bf99-219b1f45effa

Judges: DISQUALIFIED

Oh my lord; what a shit show. I hope tomorrow's event is easier! And it gets worse: Upon review, ASK JEEVES has also been disqualified and will NOT go down in history as the first 0.0 score in Search Engine Olympics history! We'll await word from officials on this.

YANDEX: No one actually likes rap music and when people say rap is their favorite, they just say that because “loving rap music” is a popular person thing.

Judges: 2.5 / 4.0 / 3.6 / 5.5 / 4.9

Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen! I think Yandex actually understood the question! And they've leapt into the lead with a dismal amateur performance! The bar is microscopic today! Final contestant:

DUCKDUCKGO: Origin Unreachable Error ID: 357ba5be-5cd6-4e14-8850-df33e1644861

Judges: DISQUALIFIED

Are you kidding me? You're kidding me; right? Okay, final Day-One results:

YANDEX  4.1
ASK.COM 0.3
GOOGLE  0.2
BING    0.1
JEEVES  DISQ
YAHOO!  DISQ
D.D.GO  DISQ

Let's pray things improve tomorrow. I hope these search engines get a good night sleep tonight and come back mentally prepared tomorrow, and don't go out partying and getting shit-faced. For some of them it's their first time away from home.

OPENING CEREMONY !

That's right. It's time to light the torch for the Olympics; the only Olympics that matter. The first ever International Search Engine Olympics where we shall find out what search engines will champion our search needs and which are the stinking losers!

Now bear with me, 'cause this was supposed to be the first event but suddenly I found myself yammering out an opening ceremony instead so... whadda we need? A torch, a song and some fireworks? Okay. Torch:

And now here's a song which seems to be trying very hard to be funny, by someone who has apparently never experienced anything remotely funny in their entire lives. Apologies in advance:

And... fireworks:

See you tomorrow for the first event!

A new font for a new age. Sorry it's come to this.

Wh@+ d0 y0u +h!nk? !s +h!s read@ble 3n0ugh? !'m +h!nk!ng ! sh0uld s+@r+ us!ng +h!s m3+h0d f0r @ll my !nternettery. Th!s w@y ! w0n'+ g3+ hurl3d !n+0 F@c3b00k gul@g 3v3ry +!m3 ! s@y, "H3y bust3r! D0n'+ m@k3 m3 c0m3 0v3r th3r3!" @nd ! w0n'+ g3t @ Y0u+ub3 s+r!k3 3v3ry +!m3 ! s@y "!'m g0nn@ punch +h@+ [!nsert c3l3br!+y] !n +h3 n0s3 @ t!ny b!t !f ! f!nd 0u+ h3 d!ddl3d +h0s3 k!ds!" @nd ! w0n'+ g3+ susp3nd3d fr0m +h3 m!n3cr@ft s3rv3r @nym0r3 wh3n ! s@y "Pl3@s3 h3lp m3 s0m30n3 b3f0r3 ! cu+ mys3lf!"

+h3r3's @ h@lf-n@+!0nful 0f qu!3tly-r@g!ng Trump-lun@+!cs s!mm3r!ng d0wn +h3r3 d3sp3r@+3ly w@n+!ng +0 k!ll p30pl3 bu+ ! h@v3 +0 b3 D!sn3y-fr!3ndly 0n +h3 w3b.

H@v3 ! 3v3r m3n+!0n3d +h@+ +h!s s0c!3+y !f fuck3d b3y0nd fuck3d?

Holy $#!T I'm leaving the house today!

My friend the Ponderer is picking me up and we're going out for coffee and I'm gonna use my Timmy Tim Tim cards what I got for Christmas and get donuts for the Beach House Gang what I live with and I'm not even gonna poison them first.

I wonder if the Angry Poo Flinger will be there. Probably not.

 

Front Page News!

Top scientists make startling discovery re tobacco

All around the world, tens of thousands of top scientists have suddenly discovered that cigarette smoking might be bad for you. Some even claim that smoking can blacken lungs, choke nearby human beings and give you cancer!

Tobacco companies have immediately responded, calling the allegations outlandish. Says Thérèse Esperdy, chairwoman of Imperial Brands, formerly Imperial Tobacco, whose brands include tobacco, tobacco and tobacco: "Everyone knows that smoking is the smartest nicest healthiest thing people can do. It gives you shiny teeth and fresh breath, makes you popular and cures cancer. And did you know that it also stops dirty underwear from appearing on your living room floor when surprise guests pop in for a visit? I am the mother of five children and I make all of them smoke a pack of cigarettes before bed time which soothes their chronic coughs and ensures they will wake up healthy - except for Little Hank and Bobby-Sue who are currently dead. We buried them in adult-size coffins loaded with cartons of Winstons so they can smoke their tiny hearts out in the after-life. Did you know that Jesus was a smoker? That's why his gob was so yellow when he spat on non-believers."

When questioned about Esperdy's claims, Jorge Bergoglio of Rome, known in some circles as "Pope Francis" replied: "One might reasonably infer that Jesus was a smoker, for he famously says, Light a man's cigarette and he will smoke for a day. Teach a man to light a cigarette and he will smoke the rest of his life though it may be short one. But Jesus never spat on people. He was a model human being; very kind and very wise. Also I would like for Jonathan Pryce to portray me in a feature film about my life but I want the movie to be more about my progressive rock endeavors and my success at Angry Birds game and less about all that churchy stuff."

 

Has this ever happened to you?

My life in a nutshell

The PSW arrived promptly at 08:30 for bed bath time. I felt actually wakeful for the first time since the Post-COVID Droopy Dreary Dead Sleepy Syndrome came along. Washed about half the dishes that four people have accumulated in the last three days. (Three of us have been sick and the other does not do human kinds of things such as dish-washing as he in very few ways resembles a human). Made coffee. Donated another to Eugenius who also emerged from his room looking alive for the first time in days, on this occasion with cell-o-phone in hand; Hank Williams crooning out of it croonilly.

Eugene stuck around for twenty minutes, dancing a two-step and singing along with Hank Williams songs and then with George Jones songs. I refused to be outdone. I don't know the words to any country song whatsoever but that didn't stop me from trying. Wait, Actually I know some words to one country song where he says achey breaky heart a whole bunch of times, but technically those aren't words. That's only one word as neither achey or breaky are words. Or maybe they are now. I don't know.

"Sing it Hank!" I crooned. "Down in Mississippi!" I cried. "Yee haw!!" Eugenius patiently sang the "real" words at me with his two-toothed grin a-grinnin'.

"It's been lonely on the saddle siiiiiince.... the horse died," I sang sagely.

The Bro wondered into the kitchen shaking his head sadly. He stretched out his hand.

"Gimme that phone."

"This ain't - NO! - a livin'..."

"I don't want it making that noise!"

"What yooooou been givin'!"

"Luckily I have to get out of here."

"Yee haw!" I added helpfully.

"I have to go get my new glasses."

"Oh! Can I have your old ones!"

"No."

"Why can't I ever have anything nice!"

"They won't work for you!"

"You're so mean to me!"

"Oh for gods sakes"

"You'll be sorry when I'm dead!"

"Here then. Try them on."

The world went all wobbly. "They're broken!"

"They're not broken!" I snatched the fork. "Hey! Easy! What are you doing with that!"

"EEEEE! EEEEE! EEEEE!" I cried; the Psyhcopath shower scene music. I made stabbing motions with the fork.

"Oh my god."

"I kill tuna!" I cried. "I am hunter!" Bro shook his head. Eugenius continued singing; songs about the great tuna and the mighty hunter I presume. "I kill mighty canned tuna and feed my tribe!" I grunted.

Oh.

Wait.

Did I say nutshell?

I meant nut house.

 

Ask FWG

Bored from Toronto writes:

I'm bored.

Dear Bored: You can't possibly be bored in this world. We've got cell phones, bobble heads, fidget spinners, Kardashians, Joe Rogan, Kim Jong Un, Westboro Baptists, Flat Earthers, Fast & Furiouses, scream-o, planking, edible underwear, leaf blowers, democracy, Christianity and truck nutz to keep us deliriously entertained. What more do you need?

Have you tried a leaf blower?