Monday, April 06, 2020

Eh? What’s that??

So the excellent, endearing, even-tempered but elusive Eczilon has been entrusted with the letter E and she has elected a word what looks like this:


What’s that, you ask?

I don’t know. But we’re going to find out together. We’re going to wing this. You’re going to watch me struggle. I’m okay with that. Ready? No? Me neither. So let’s start with Google:

Okay, she’s mythological. Cool. And there are videos too.

I think the third one is a red herring. Let’s look at the first one.

So she’s moving silently and super slowly. Is she a mermaid? She has no legs. Okay, no wonder she’s slow.

Wait. This is way too slow. Is she a snail maybe? Eurynome the Silent Snail. Lets check this first wikipedia link.

Okay, so she’s an Oceanid (that’s a mermaid, right?) and the third wife of Zeus. Wait. She was also… I’m reading… Queen of the Titans? What? And what’s this?

Those look like some important accounts she’s got there. So she’s a banker? I guess? That’s a lot of hats to wear for a snail. Something doesn’t seem right. Let’s see if there’s a disambiguation page... And… there is.

What the actual hell is this? This is way too many Eurynomes. Who am I supposed to - hang on. Excuse me! Excuse me!

Okay I’ve flagged one down.

Hi there! Are you a Eurynome?

Of course. Don’t be stupid.

I’m writing an article for - practically no one. Just entertaining myself really. May I ask you a few questions?


How do you properly pronounce your name?


And... are you a wife of Zeus?


Of Ophion then?


Lycurgus of Arcadia?


Do you have a husband at all?


But you’re a mermaid.


A snail?


Can you tell me something about yourself? Anything?

I am the daughter of King Nisus of Megara and the mother of Bellerophan.

But you’re not married.

No. Poseidon is the baby-daddy. I also have a pair of horses named Fyre and Fury, a pet phoenix named Cinders and a cat named Mister Whiskermuffins. He’s really cute. He likes to lie on his back and kick himself in the chin.

That’s adorable. I like your robes. Where do you shop for clothes?

I have tailors and seamstresses. This piece is from my favourite designer. He’s an enchanted ferret who lives in my garden.

Do you like to garden?

Certainly not. Gardening is for plebes.

Do you have any hobbies then?

Yes of course. Many. Scrapbooking, martial arts, casting impertinent maids down the well, poisoning over-ambitious men, competitive eating. These are just the first things which come to mind.

Competitive eating? Like hot dogs? Really?

Don’t be ghastly. We don’t eat dogs in this court. This is plebe behavior. No, I’ve done pheasants. I ate two whole pheasants in one afternoon, which broke the record by one whole pheasant - what’s so funny? Why are you laughing?

Two? In an afternoon? That’s nothing. I ate twelve hot dogs, buns and all in like twenty minutes. And I only stopped because I ran out of hot dogs.

Well you’re an utter plebe then aren’t you?


Aren’t you?


Good day.

Wait, don’t go…!

Oh well. I tried.


April Moore said...

This cracked me up. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who had no idea what, or who a Eurynome is. At first, I read that she ate peasants--which seemed reasonable given her disposition, then I saw it was pheasants. If this ever comes up on trivia night, I'm all over it.

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

I probably should have said peasants!