J is for Jejunely

Jejunely: Hungrily. From jejune, wanting, empty, vacant, hungry, dry, barren; from Latin jejunus (fasting). Jejuneness: poverty, barrenness, particularly wanting of interesting matter.

Example: "While occasionally useful, FWiG's blog was prone to long bouts of jejuneness."

Source: Imperial Lexicon (c. 1850) Rev. John Boag
Google hits: 22600


Jirging: The squeak that too-clean shoes make when walking.

wikiHow.com insists that squeaky-shoe is a problem which must be dealt with and recommends one or more of the following resolutions: baby powder, saddlesoap, stuffing with paper towel, adhesive, repair shops or returning the product as defective. They do not deal with the question: Why do we find it so insufferably embarrassing to have our shoe squeak and is it possibly the human being who is defective...

Source: Scottish Gallovidian Encyclopedia (1824) John MacTaggart
Google hits: 940

A note regarding the "google hits" statistics I've been collecting for FWiG's April A-to-Z Odditorium of Forgotten English: It's meant to hint at just how rare the word has become. However, if one really penetrates into the search variables you find that the vast majority of instances are just dictionaries and glossaries which champion old words. They're not actually using the word to communicate. And then if you filter through the remainder, usually all you can find are proper name usages, non-English usages, digitized documents from the nineteenth century and bloggers intentionally celebrating forgotten English! So of the 940 usages of jirging, for example, only 89 remain after filtering out dictionaries and of the remainder I could find no examples of plain modern usage; only the phenomena listed above.


Juglandine: A substance contained in the juice expressed from the green shell of the walnut, used as a remedy in cutaneous and scrofulous diseases and for dying the hair black.

Additionally it was used in "walnut ketchup" along with pepper, salt, vinegar, cloves, nutmeg, ginger and mace. Mace the spice, I presume, and not the spray.

Source: Dictionary of the English Language (1897) Daniel Lyon
Google hits: 30800

Slap or mace?

I is for Irrisory

Irrisory: Addicted to laughing or sneezing.

Peutenhausen, Germany, in the heartland of Europe's powdered tobacco production, is the site of the World Snuff Championships in which athletes stuff five grams of snuff up their schnoz. The competition has drawn around three hundred competitors annually since the early nineties.

"It's nothing to sneeze at," says this former champion:

Thirty-one year old mom, Chantel Faill, is the world champion for carrying a pool cue tip up one's nose. She didn't even realize she was competing at this for twelve years until a good cough dislodged the object. She'd been suffering severe flu-like symptoms the whole time, mystifying doctors for more than a decade, since being accidently skewered by the cue in a friendly tavern mishap. Don't let this happen to you.

Also, don't marry a guy named Faill. The universe might just insist that you live up to your name, as Chantal learned the hard way.

Source: Dictionary of the English Language (1897) Daniel Lyon
Google hits: 15600


Indeed-la!: The exclamation of a whining Puritan.

Shakespeare is most known for using this phrase along with such linguistic nuggets as doth, dost, hither, thither, hence, whence, dasher, dancer and blitzen.

Source: Dictionary of Archaic and Provincial Words (1855) James Halliwell
Google hits: much less than 100,000 (Google function inadequacies prevent this precise phrase from being properly isolated from over 12 billion indeed references)


Insectile: Having the nature of an insect.

Example: "It was known to very few, the insectile aspect of the legendary wizard Merlin, as was his penchant for the gifting of eyeballs."

Source: Imperial Lexicon (c. 1850) Rev. John Boag
Google hits: 106,000

merlinant gives you the eye

H is for He-biddy

He-biddy: A male fowl; a product of prudery and squeamishness.

Sir Kenelm Digby (1603-1665), in his writings provides an excellent recipe for delicious cock ale, requiring the "well stoned raisings" of a boiled March he-biddy along with regular ale, nutmeg, dates and mace. In a curious full-circling he later advises that your he-biddies be given the cock ale to drink as it will induce drunkenness wherein the cock will only want to eat and sleep, and thus you will "fatten young chickens in a wonderful degree." I don't personally endorse this having never experimented so. And besides, it smacks of cannibalism and we all know how that worked out for the cows...

Not to be confused with hippety, as in Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail, Hippity, hoppity, Easter's on its way; chorus of the famous Easter Bunny song, surely one of the crowning achievements in the history of music. It was probably written by Kim Mitchell. Probably the B-side to that profound and uplifting masterpiece Rockland Wonderland.

Source: Americanisms Old and New (1889) John Farmer
Google hits: 4600


Holer: Adulterer; libertine; from the French holier.

This begs the obvious question: What term applies then to the donkey adulterer? Oh that wasn't obvious to you? Well excuse me then.

Adultery is a fairly common theme in literature. Perhaps the most significant works featuring this theme: Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary and of course, the Holy Bible.

Source: Dictionary of the Oldest Words in the English Language (1863) Herbert Coleridge
Google hits: 850000 (largely due to the surname)


Hit the maples: To go bowling.

I presume then, that bowling lanes are, or were, typically constructed of maple.

To the ire of the church-o-the-day, King James the 1st invited his subjects to enjoy, on Sundays, such lawful sports as Morris dances, men-and-ladies dances, May-pole raising, archery, vaulting, leaping, games and Whitsun Ales. He only frowned on bear or bull baiting on the holy day, or interludes. Only one activity did the king prohibit seven days a week: That egregious of vices: bowling.

Interludes? Hmmm...

Source: A Dictionary of American Slang (1934) Maurice Weseen
Google hits: 30700

Smiley McApplehead finds Daisy irresistible when she's cornbowling.

G is for Guisard

Guisard: One who goes about in fantastic guise or dress; a masquerader; a mummer.

I'm personally delighted to learn this word as I shall always use it in place of drag queen henceforth!

Not to be confused with gizzards, which are the cooked entrails of fowl. Mind you, now that I think about it, I've met a couple drag queens with off-stage personalities about as endearing as cooked fowl entrails.

Source: New English Dictionary (1901) Sir James Murray
Google hits: 313000 (largely due to the surname)


Gregarian: Of the common sort; ordinary. Related to gregal: belonging to a herd

Obviously not a compliment and yet it relates directly to gregarious, meaning sociable and considered complimentary. The rift points to the underappreciated tragedy of our society: It is most often the big talkers who are internally the dullest and least intelligent. It is the quiet ones who observe, learn and gather wisdom while the bullshitters slick-slide their way into the positions of political, corporate, social, and other forms of power and leadership, to our species' ongoing demise.

Source: Ladies Lexicon and Parlour Companion (1854) William Grimshaw
Google hits: 16600


Gilravage: To hold a merry meeting, with noise and riot but without injury, usually featuring intemperate use of alcohol. From gild (society or fraternity) and the French ravager: to waste.

I suppose this sheds some light on the modern term rave (bush party).

Source: Etymological Scottish Dictionary (1808) John Jamieson
Google hits: 25700

Hey! It's Party time at EPUC!

F is for Flippercanorious

Flippercanorious: Elegant.

Example: "Emperor Pikatchu surrounded himself with ivory statues and flippercanorious gold fountains in his opulent palace."

Not to be confused with flippercarnivorous which is to dine on washed up former-TV-star dolphins (interpret washed-up as you wish).

Source: A Dictionary of American Slang (1934) Maurice Weseen
Google hits: 5100


Flabberdegaz: Nonsensical talk.

Example: "Emperor Pikatchu spoke frequently of alien conspiracy, balloon ships, a supreme Pokemon race and other flabberdegaz."

Not to be confused with flumadiddle which means... the very same thing, so go ahead and confuse them.

Source: A Dictionary of American Slang (1934) Maurice Weseen
Google hits: 98


Flooster: To flatter, coax, make much of. Of a dog, to play, gambol.

Example: "His subjects floostered Emperor Pikatchu for his shiny yellow coat, rosey cheeks and lustrous teeth, and pampered him with platters of fancy fruits and cheesy cheesums."

Source: The English Dialect of Donegal (1953) Michael Traynor
Google hits: 14200

King Pikachu knew feeding mermaids the right combination of nutrients was essential.

E is for Escargotoire

Escargotoire: A nursery of snails

Apparently the earliest known snail cuisine belongs, surprisingly, not to the French, but to the Romans. Fulvius Hilpinus (125 BC) had several escargotoires for separate breeds; likely including the white snails of Reate, the grey of Illyricum, and the cadillac of snails: the Solitans.

In the 1800's the Cornish town of Roche held annual snail celebrations featuring a dance called the Snail's Creep.

Source: Imperial Lexicon (c. 1850) John Boag
Google hits: 4660


Ensorcell: To enchant, bewitch, fascinate. From Old French: ensorceler.

One of the great literary ensorcelers was, of course, Sauron, from Tolkein's Lord of the Rings. He drew great evil armies to him who bent to his will unquestioningly, a tremendous accomplishment considering he had no CNN or Fox News as tools of propaganda  He was just a floating eye from a small town. He didn't even own a car. But he was probably the most successful floating eye in literary history - at his peak that is. These things never last.

Source: The Shaving of Shagpat (1856) George Meredith
Google hits: 19800


Erubesceny: blushing for shame; for fear of damage to reputation.

Perhaps the word ruby lies at its root?

And again, one of the great literary erubescences was the shame of Sauron when, in a late chapter of The Two Towers, which was entirely edited out in later editions, he was pooped upon by none other than Tweety Bird.

[Editor's note: The preceeding paragraph is a complete fabrication.]

Source: Etymological English Dictionary (1749) Nathaniel Bailey
Google hits: 0

Tweety defeats Sauron.

D is for Dog Nawper

Dog-nawper: A church beadle who uses his wand of office for tapping (nawping) the heads of dozing, or unruly, youngsters.

At the Roman Catholic church I was occasionally sentenced to as a youth, there were few opportunities to doze
thanks to the constant game of Simon Sez that went on. Simon sez stand... Simon sez sit... Simon sez kneel... Catholic clergy like to take up gobs of your time. You can't get in and out of their churches in less than an hour. So they resort to a lot of audience participation to keep the snoring levels down.

Source: Leeds Dialect Glossary and Lore (1924) John Wilkinson
Google hits: 20


Dishing up the spurs: To hint to guests that it is time to depart.

The phrase is said to originate from the English-Scotch borderlands where, upon provisions running low, a pair of spurs would appear at the table instead of food, signalling the time had arrived for a raid for provisions.

A friend and generous host once swore that if we didn't learn to start departing his home at a reasonable hour he would resort to leaving the room and returning wearing an old-fashioned night-robe complete with droopy nightcap, and carrying a candlestick.

Source: Dictionary of English Phrases (1922) Albert Hyamson
Google hits: 56


Dendranthopology: The study concerning the theory that man had sprung from trees.

Not to be confused with Neandrothology which is the study concerning the theory that man is slowly devolving; growing stupider, due to the complacency-inducing processes of societal power structures derived for the financial benefit of the wealthy elite... or at least there should be such a study.

Source: Supplemental English Glossary (1881) T. Lewis Davies
Google hits: 580

Why is there a hotdog on the tree of mythology?

C is for Curmur

Curmurring: A low rumbling sound, akin to a murmur, but in motion with the bowels, produced by flatulence. One of many rhythmical terms applied to the art of flatuosity for which our ancestors apparently shared a peculiar fascination.

Not to be confused with curmudgeon; a nasty bad-tempered person. Of course, if his foul demeanor were due to gas…

Source: Century Dictionary and Cyclopaedia (1889) William Whitney
Google hits: 28,400


Cook, slut & butler: A common expression for one who does all the turns of work in a household.

The second term surely refers to it's 15th century meaning: kitchen maid. Likely an ancestor of the modern term chief, cook & bottle-washer. How the butler became chief, I do not know. Is the butler considered the chief of all servants?

As a former facilities officer at a Bank of Montreal operations centre, I often protected my budget by doing various repair type work personally, rather than hiring an expensive vendor to do the work, or purchasing a new replacement article. I thus earned the occasional nick-name Rich-of-all-trades.

Source: Glossary of North Country Words (1825) John Brockett
Google hits: 600


Curglaff: The shock felt when bathing and one first plunges into cold water.

Curgloft, confounded, and bumbaz'd,
On east and west by turns he gazed.
As ship that's tost with stormy weather,
Drives on, the pilot knows not whither.
- William Meston, 1767

Source: Etymological Scottish Dictionary (1808) John Jamieson
Google hits: 1400

Ghosts ARE corporeal! They can get their hands stuck in cracks like anyone else!

B is for Bibliobibuli

Bibliobibuli: One who reads too much, who is drunk on books as some are drunk on whiskey or religion.

Louise Brown of Stranraer, Scotland borrowed nearly 25000 library books between 1946 and 2009; mostly romance, war and historical fiction. She's ninety five years old as of today if in fact she's still alive, but there are no references to her since June 2009 that I can find. Whether she ever hit the 25K mark is unknown to me.

Not to be confused with bibliophile: also a bookworm but without such a harsh connotation, or bibliomania: a craze for collecting books. Um... no comment on that.

Source: Notebook 71 (1956) H. L. Mencken
Google hits: 33,600


Belly-bender: A cake of floating ice which tips under as one passes from piece to piece in a precarious game of bravado played by boys.

According to my uncle John, a big-time snowmobile junky, who has played this game, albeit unintentionally, aboard skidoo, and dunked at least one machine into the deep, the thing to do upon realization you are up the proverbial not-so-frozen creek without a paddle (more likely a small Northern Ontario lake) as the ice is giving away under your snowmobile, is to gun the machine to its maximum velocity. You can go a fair distance on a skidoo, skimming the water, for much the same reasons of physics by which thrown flat stones will skip, though not indefinitely.

Source: Dictionary of American English (1940) William Craigie, James Hulbert
Google hits: 23,100


Bottle-thrall: A confirmed drunkard. Thrall: slave. Literally slave to the bottle.

Source: Lost Beauties of the English Language (1874) Charles Mackay
Google hits: 1300

Go home sheep. You're drunk. It's not even night time.

A is for Arfname

Arfname: An heir; from Old Norse arfr (inheritance) and niman (to take); used from the 10th to 13th centuries.

In A Guide for Butlers and Other Household Staff (1827), Robert Roberts promotes the interests of arfnames; instructing that old deeds such as wills be revived using a solution of gall nuts and white wine.

Not to be confused with Arkenflame, which is actually not the guy by the first name David who pumps out new-agey ambient music albums with names such as Chillout Lounge or Celtic Chillout, at a rate of about a dozen per day, because that dude's name is actually Arkenstone but for some reason I can never remember this and I always think Arkenflame instead. Isn't that deliriously exciting? P.S. Don't tell anyone I have those two aforementioned goofy albums. Thanks! You're a peach.

Source: Dictionary of Early English (1955) Joseph Shipley
Google hits: 4300


Agatewards: To go agatewards is to accompany one's guest part of their way home, possibly for reasons of guidance or safety if your estate is huge enough or maybe you have pet wolverines or lawn chihuahuas.  It has been explained as meaning gate-wards or toward the gate, but is more likely from the Craven dialect, gaitwards: to accompany.

As with the generation before them, who inhabited the family farm, my parents are in the habit of accompanying guests out the door and over to the laneway where their car is parked and to send them off with a wave. In the days of my grandparents' tenure, it was the farm dogs who championed this "last office of hospitality," for they would chase our car down the quarter-mile laneway to the town line, and often then down the line all the way to the highway! What can I say? I was a popular kid.

Not to be confused with the cloudy or striped quartz crystal called agate which is worth anywhere from 6 to 16 gold pieces according to the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Masters Guide (1979) by Gary Gygax!

Source: Dictionary of Archaic and Provincial Words (1855) James Halliwell
Google hits: 400


Acromania: Extreme madness.

Let's use it in a sentence: "Nicolas Cage was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he, though prone to occasional bouts of acromania."

Source: Imperial Lexicon (c. 1850) Rev. John Boag
Google hits: 35,100

Nicholas Cage just loves Molar World.

The Big (Late) Reveal!

Damn. I was supposed to do this on the twenty-first, wasn't I? Well here goes:

Have you ever known a shumpgullion, a whiffler or a kingkisheen? Have you ever dished up the spurs? Or a piping hot pulpatoon? Ever performed a scurryfunge? Maybe you're not too sure about any of this?

Well this is no flabberdegaz. If you're a proper bibliobibuli then you might just know some of these things I'm talking about. Otherwise, you'd best tune in to this station every weekday in April (and once on each weekend) for a proper dose of FWiG's Odditorium of Forgotten English! We'll get you up to speed in no time, and save you from any unnecessary... erubescency...

The Lonely Lumberjack: Saddle The Wind

What would it be like
to saddle the wind
and ride on
such a streamlined steed

To traverse over the highest peaks
to have it answer
to your every need.

To skim the waves of the oceans
enter into the deepest ravine
brush the tips of the Redwoods
sweep the rooftops clean.

You could keep pace with the elephants
race with a fleeting gazelle
cruise through the tallest steeple
ring its massive bell.

Swish through grasses and flowers
causing them to nod and sway
to travel throughout the night
be far, far away
come the day.

Brush through the pines
making them rustle and sigh
prowl around the eaves of buildings
some not tall, some very high.

Only the wind is the freest of spirits
to capture it would not be fair
instead, let our imaginations take us
somewhere away out there.


The Lonely Lumberjack