Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Novel: The Road

(2007) Cormac McCarthy

I was up until 3:30 AM last night - a work night, finishing this book because I couldn’t put it down. Stupid of me, I know. The novel is haunting and moving, concerning a father and small son clinging to survival in a world apparently post-apocalyptic.

I was initially irked at the style. It’s almost free-verse with dialogue lacking quotes and usually lacking attribution; and it’s front-loaded with seemingly gratuitous creation of new, or rather altered, words. But you quickly discover that it all works very well. Rules are made to be broken only when the perpetrator fully grasps the necessity and formula behind the rule and derives the same results through a route not only different but superior given the context.

Here, the dialogue is so clear and its characters possessing such unique voices and the story so gently told that such standard dialogue baggage is not only optional but downright unwarranted.

As for the new words – let’s take “burntlooking” for example. Though widely treated as literary fiction I assume, the piece is in essence SF; Speculative Fiction; the modern and much more useful genre classification formerly divided into Sci-Fi and Fantasy. As such, it’s entirely proper to alter language within the dialogue to support the author’s vision of a world different from the one we (think we) know. In McCarthy’s speculative world in which so much of the environment, both natural and man made, looks burnt, ‘burntlooking’ might be a common word. To use this right in the narrative though, is contrary to the FWG School of Good Storytelling because the reader lives in this world. But I can’t say it was a problem here. It served to make it seem as if the book itself was written within such a charred world.

The characters are wonderfully built drawing deep empathy. The subtlety factor is flawless. This is a story you can fall right into.

The imagery is superb. McCarthy clearly envisions the landscape and delivers it expertly with description and metaphors that fire on all cylinders.

In one sense it’s a nice easy read that will invoke emotion and linger in your memory. In another sense it bears the strength and usefulness of good SF; not particularly for its capacity as a well-researched cautionary tale, but for its rare connection to the veiled realities of the human species.

I may add this to my list of all-time favorite books after I give it some time to digest.

I especially recommend this to any fathers of young sons. Don’t let its inclusion in Oprah’s book club scare you off.

FWG

Saturday, January 05, 2008

JanNoWriMo?

Apparently the National Novel Writing Month Contest (NaNoWriMo) isn't the only game in town. While Nano is the boss, there's a host of minor gigs on it's coattails; enough to tie up the entire calendar apparently.

Jano is customizable. Many wRitErs use it as incentive to complete their unfinished Nano novels. Sounds good to me. I'm taking a casual approach. 30,000 words is the target. Five days into the festival I'm at zero. Ahem. How's that for casual?

Friday, January 04, 2008

World Junior Semi-Finals

Time for another world junior hockey medal-game simulcast! And while I’m at the office of course. Luckily my boss is a sports fan.

It’s the semi finals. U.S. earned a bye to get here. Canada fell to Sweden earlier and defeated Finland in a quarter-final contest to qualify. Today’s winner plays Sweden for gold; the loser for the bronze against Russia. Let’s face it – neither Canada or U.S. are interested in Bronze medals.


First period:

EE-Gads! First shift – all U.S. How didn’t they score? They were all over us. Swarming like bees.

Let me say – I despise tribalism of all kinds. It’s the inevitable preoccupation of humans, granted. I understand that but I wish we’d hurry up and evolve beyond it. But though nations don’t exist in my view of the world I can’t help but get excited and cheer for hockey teams that wear the red maple leaf. It’s a habit formed at an early age. I’m not fully evolved, you see. I’m not a saint just yet.

Canada with some pressure in the second shift. That’s good.


Pierre McGuire’s on board, doing the colour commentary. Thank goodness I skipped lunch. He rattles the digestion process, that bitch.

15:00 to play. U.S. gets the first power-play. They’re dangerous. Possibly the sharpest offense in the tournament. But Canada may have the best defense. And the best goalie.

They kill the penalty.

Canada’s Matthias hits the post!

I wonder if Kats is watching the game?

Oops. Replay from another angle. Hit the side of the net. Not the post. Perspective is everything. That’s why refs are so beat upon. The average sports fan doesn’t grasp the severe variability of perspective. Life is three dimensional yet we see in two dimensions. And every person or camera's view is unique.

Oops. Boss caught me with the game on. He showed me how to enlarge the video image to full-screen! Nice workplace eh?

0:05 to play. Been an exciting period. Fast. Plenty of scoring chances at both ends but no score.


Period Two:

Again, U.S. with the first major opportunity. Mason makes the save.

Ouch! Canada’s Kyle Touris fans on the shot with a wide open net!

What an exciting game. If only the NHL were half this entertaining – like it was in the eighties.

Oh! Scores! Shawn Matthias! His third of the tournament. He worked hard for that one. Good boy, Shawn!

13:00 to play. Another U.S. power play. Can’t allow too many or we’ll get burned for sure.

10:00. Canada’s turn on the power play. Scores! Karl Alzner! Blast from the point! 2-0.

Speaking of 2-0, the score in other affairs is Sidewalk 2, FWG 0. I took another spill yesterday. Slipped on the ice and went down in a bad way. The right knee is particularly sore.

“Oh,” said Pops (the step-dad), “You came down with a case of knee-monia!” He cracks himself up, the lovable little lunatic that he is.

More great chances for the Americans. Mason keeps making saves but we won’t keep them off the scoreboard forever. Don’t get complacent, boys!

Yikes. So much offense in this game at both ends. A two-goal lead isn’t so big in a wide-open game like this.

6:00. Canada on the power play again. Big chances. A three-goal lead would be significant. Oh my. Geoffrion takes another penalty for U.S. Forty-one seconds with a two-man advantage.

Chances galore! U.S. holding on. They kill the first penalty. Still down a man.

If I may return to the unpleasant subject of tribalism once again – There’s a variety store in the retail level below the ‘grotto’. We’ll call it… Luke’s Milk. I don’t shop there because ‘Luke’ is a dickhead and tries to bully people into leaving the parking spot right behind his backdoor open for him at all times. He acts as if he owns the spot which he doesn’t. We all pay for shared parking and when it’s the only spot available I damn well take it. It’s my right. He gets snotty about it.

So I was in the variety store in the complex next door to ours which is run by a very nice lady – who, I must mention, is of Asian descent. Her grasp of the English language is far from complete but certainly eclipses my grasp of Chinese or Korean or whatever is applicable. And English is a bitch to learn so kudos to her.

The other day she moved to bag my coffee cream and cheese slices and I said, “No bag, thanks. I just live next door.”

“Oh. Next door?” she said.

“Yes. Above Luke’s Milk. But I don’t like him so I shop here instead.”

“Ah, yes,” she said, nodding knowingly. “He is Paki.”

???

I just looked at her for a moment, trying to figure out what the heck she was trying to say. And then I figured she must have said just what she meant to say.

“Okay, well, good-bye then. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she said.

1:00 to play. Yanks on the power-play again. A late goal would be huge. Canada with a short-handed break. Smith stops it.


Period Three:

16:00 to go. Oh dear. Another too-many-men penalty for the U.S. You can’t be doing that, fellas. Great passing on the power-play. Smith is keeping his team in the game. They survive the penalty.

13:00. Let’s not forget. U.S. has come from behind to close a two–goal third-period deficit before in World Junior play against Canada. And they went on to win. Oh! Scores! Gillies on the rush. His first goal of the tournament. 3-0. Huge lead.

Scores! Brad Marchand! Two goals only 30 seconds or so apart. 4-0. Wow. That should pretty much do it.

Also in the Cute-things-that-store-cashiers-say department: I was in the 24-hour Dominion grocery store the other night just after midnight. It’s always the same cashier at the single open till every time I’m there at night. She always has eye-opening things to say. I really should ask her to do a regular piece on this blog. It would be interesting. She was in her usual form the other night. A fellow in front of me asked if they carried hair colour for men.

“How would I know!” she barked. “That’s not my department!” She looks about sixty and has a very deep 90-cigarette-per-day-habit type voice. Very Gravelly. “There’s no one here in that department at this time of night!” She really snapped at him. No kidding.

7:00. Give the U.S. credit. They’re not giving up. They’re playing strong.

Oh dear. Replay shows that the Gillies rush was very slightly off-side. The third Canada goal should have been disallowed. We’ll see if it matters.

Oh god, McGuire, please shut up and go away.

Americans crashing the net. Where’s the puck? In the net! They score. 4-1.

5:00. Americans desperate for another goal. They’re pressing. Taking risks.

Breakaway Canada! That’s what happens. Smith stops him.

So anyway, it’s my turn before the Dominion cashier and I ask, because I’m in the mood for a movie, if she knows of any 24-hour video store around. I pretty much know I’m asking for trouble but what the heck.

“No!” she says, pausing to glare at me. “You people need to learn to do your business during the day!”

I smiled and nodded. I’m always appreciative when good Samaritans try to help out us people with their friendly advice. But I decide to be a tad cheeky. “I guess you’d like to get off the night shift, eh?”

“Hey, I have seniority here! I can work whatever shift I choose! I like the night shift!”

So if I understand her position correctly, she prefers to work the night shift but would prefer that no customers come… and that Dominion continue to stay open 24-hours and employ her anyway… to come to work… and not do anything. I guess that’s not too much to ask.

I’ll have to continue to visit Dominion Lady on the night shift and maybe bait her a little. She’s always got something fun to say. I should have been writing stuff down all along.

2:00. U.S. on the power play. They’re the only undefeated team in the tournament but they’ll need a miracle now.

I wonder if Claudia Supermom has some perspective on the Dominion Lady situation. She’s in the grocery industry. But she has far more useful things to say than Dominion Lady.

40 seconds to go. Another Canada penalty. Two-man advantage. Yanks need two lightening-fast goals. Won’t get them. Canada icing the puck. They win. Off to the gold-medal game! Hurrah!


Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Novel: The Five People You Meet In Heaven


(2003) Another puff-packaged novella from Mitch Albom.

Oddly, I went from a river world heaven environment in To Your Scattered Bodies Go to this book that climaxes in a river world heaven. This piece is short and sweet. Went through it in a week just reading at the red lights while driving to and from work each day, and over
a couple lunch break sessions.

I was dismayed initially at the very primary language but soon accepted that the simple style worked well given the piece is in essence a sort of fairy tale for grownups – or young adults too, for that matter.

The very tidy plot involves a series of life lessons. Were this book touted as a manual for living a good life I would be unimpressed. While the lessons laid out are laudable and may be found quite useful to many in the sense that they offer avenues for peace to our typically chaotic lives, it personally all flies under my radar. From my perspective these answers are innocently yet treacherously in league with the very chaos they purport to soothe.

But let’s not take this as a manual for living a good life. Albom states up front that this is just one idea of what heaven might be like. So lets just take this work at face value; as a story. And as a story I applaud it fully. It’s engaging and moving and rich in character.

I heartily recommend it. There’s a good chance you’ll enjoy it and a good chance you’ll take something useful away from it. And if not – it’s such a quick read you’ve got nothing to lose.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Agh! Backwards! Backwards!




One year ago I vowed to quit dicking around; to either put up or shut up; to either conquer my laziness with regards to productivity (writing) and health (weight loss) or just give up and accept the flawed creature I am and the limits thereof.

It’s report-card time.

I eventually lost 30 lbs, gained 18 back, developed some dietary discipline but crashed headlong into the calorie behemoth that is the Christmas season. Oh, and I joined a gym finally.

Started logging the writing projects and scheduling my writing time. Joined the National Novel Writing Month contest and forged a watchdog partnership with other writers on the Hamilton team. But haven’t significantly boosted productivity so far. The Nano project crashed when Peter Pan had his breakdown and I turned full-time caregiver for a week.

Decision: inconclusive.

The results are not good enough but the new structures are in place and I’m feeling motivated. Therefore – I extend the project. I need to be down another 50 lbs and up 350,000 words by this time next year.


As Doctor Lock would say… ONWARD!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Film: I am Legend

The Deity recommended it. I watched the trailer on-line and knew I had to see it. All I really absorbed is that it was a ‘post-apocalypse’ type of scenario –which always intrigues me.

Wow! I hesitate to say anything about this movie other than, ‘Stop what you’re doing. Go immediately to the theatre and buy a ticket for the next showing.’

Okay, for those of you too foolish to have taken my advice and are still reading; here’s the skinny:

I don’t like action movies. And the only kind of movies I like less than action movies are horror movies. That’s me. And yet despite prominent elements of action and some elements of horror – I loved this movie. I was impressed right from the opening shot and glued to the screen for the duration.

It’s a very well-crafted story. They lay down some solid clues, withhold some critical information ‘til the time is right, throw out a little ambiguity and the result is a wildly suspenseful ride.

The setting is visually fascinating with vast artificial scenery that looks dead real.

Star Wil Smith has won me over. I don’t normally notice great acting performances. I only notice the bad ones. But I’ll be surprised if Smith doesn’t get the Oscar for this and downright floored if he isn’t even nominated. The role was heavy and challenging and he was brilliant.

If I must criticize, some elements of the biological science at play is almost surely flawed and there are certain lame-o direction/production tricks – the kind that plague every Hollywood suspense movie ever made as far as I know. I grow so bloody weary of these that it’s exhausting but Hollywood is Hollywood and certain formulas sell. So be it. I forgive.

This is instantly one of my favorite films of all time. ‘Nuff said. Go to the theatre. Go!


Saturday, December 29, 2007

Tag

Claudia Supermom passed this tag along in open invitation style. Yes, I’m accepting the tag. And yes, I’ve previously behaved as if these tagging things are annoying and that I’m too good for that sort of thing and only participate when cornered. And yes, I’m now participating of my own volition. And yes, that makes me an arrogant hypocritical pompous ass. Just wanted to be clear on that.

The legislation:

1. Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share seven random and or weird things about yourself.
3. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

And now -- seven random (or weird) things about moi:

1. I hate the cartoon Charmin bears on the TV toilet paper commercials. The way they get all cutesy and shake their furry little asses at us. I won’t buy that damn product just because those commercials wig me the hell out. I assume these bears are only cutesy on TV and that in private they do horrid unspeakable things with each others feces. Sometimes I dream about them and wake up screaming.

2. I like Billy Bob Thornton. I like everything about him. I like his ugly toothy smile, his vulgar disposition. I like just saying his name. Billy Bob. Say it with me. Billy Bob. No, no. Say it like this, in one breath: Billibob. That’s right. Billibob! Fun, eh?

3. Christmas songs get on my last freaking nerve. Oh, they really do. Except for a very rare few that I really quite like. There are just enough to make one perfectly awesome Christmas album from them. I would pay dearly for such an album: If you make me this album I’ll love you madly forever and ever!

Happy Xmas/War is Over – John Lennon
I Saw Three Ships – Bruce Cockburn
Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24 – Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Pachelbel’s Canon
Do They Know It’s Christmas – Band Aid
I Believe in Father Christmas – Emerson, Lake and Palmer
Step into Christmas – Elton John
Last Christmas – Wham
Christmas (Please Come Home) – U2
Run Rudolph Run – Chuck Berry
Feliz Navidad – Jose Feliciano (Sorry, Babs!)
Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy – Bing Crosby/David Bowie

4. I flooded my YouTube favorites menu with videos of kids getting hit in the head by balls. Soccer balls, basketballs, footballs, tennis balls, baseballs, giant exercise balls… you name it. I just want someone to come across my favorites menu and think I must be some kind of freak. Which – you know – I probably am. ‘Cause I really split a gut watching kids getting beaned out of nowhere and falling on their ass. As long as they’re not seriously hurt, that is. I’m just a freak. Not a monster.

5. I am not a monster.

6. I’ve had five broken bones in my life but all below the ankle. Both heels (tennis accident – don’t ask), and three toes – two, being slashed playing ball hockey on separate occasions, and one upon kicking the door of a van that belonged to a complete a** hole who much later was charged with the murder of his wife. Yeah. True story. Told you he was an a** hole.

7. I have witnessed with my own very eyes the most hideous flower arrangement ever to grace the earth. I nearly fell over. It belongs to Rockin’ Roddie. He served me a fabulous meal last night and fabulous wine – a ’95 Wolf Blass Premium Selection Shiraz that was to die for, then pointed out the monstrosity and asked what I thought. I couldn’t lie. Mostly because I was speechless – as in – dumbfounded. I just gave him a horrified stare.

Apparently an acquaintance of his is in the business and donated this work of art to a charity, throwing in a pair of lamps. Roddie liked the lamps and dropped a couple hundred for them, assuming that the flowering antichrist was the throw-in. When the – ahem – artist learned that his masterpiece fetched less than $500 he was a tad put off. Oh well.

Roddie didn’t want me taking a photo of it, assuming it would end up on the blog and Google Images failed to produce anything remotely similar so I’ve recreated the image through a little rudimentary photoshopping. It’s very very close to the genuine article. Sincerely. Enjoy:





I hereby tag... You. Just you. That's right. I know you're reading this.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Tempted by the fruit of Steve-o

Is it that time already? 'Fraid so. More random utterances of Steve-o, the roommate. Songs in italics:



Tequila! You’re breaking my heart,
Your shaking my confidence daily,
OH TEQUILA…!

Those Douchie Von Douchenheimers.

Midgets have glowing sex. When they orgasm it shines like the birth of a star. That’s why some little people have great tans. They’re the best lovers.

Nausea, heartburn, indigestion!
Upset stomach, diarrhea!

It was an itsy bitsy teeny weenie
Flying purple pita eater


Your mom called. I pretended to be you but then she started talking all sexy and I got nervous and hung up. [Steve-o’s last words before he was throttled and thrown down the stairs.]

My laws, did you see the balls on that one?

Sky rockets in flight,
Mmm, tuna delight…


There’s nothing finer than zombie sex. At least, that’s what my zombie friends say.

I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum,

That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum,
Up in my bum…



The preceding comments are not necessarily approved by FWG, Blogger.com or the Imperial Association of Little People.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - edition six

Once again - My answers to recent Google queries that led new readers here:

1. ex-employee canadian tire
There are many to choose from. Bill Smith Jr, for instance, dismissed when caught embezzling thousands in Canadian Tire Money; Serge Laurent who resigned and went on to breed and train boneless chickens for NASA; and Jo-Jo P. Nelson who died on the job upon operating a Mastercraft Wiener Roaster and Marble Polisher improperly. These are just three out of thousands.

2. Who sang--Tempted by the fruit..
No. Sorry. They didn’t. They sang Can’t Explain, Pinball Wizard and My Generation but they never sang Tempted By The Fruit. No way, Jose.

3. tim hortons "every cup tells a story"
That's correct. They do. But first you have to drink all the coffee out of it (plug your nose to make this more bearable). Then hold the empty cup over your ear and listen for the story. Oh – almost forgot. You have to be psychotic, schizophrenic and delusional for this to work. And being a Tim Hortons customer – you quite likely are.

4. where to get a chili dog in Mississauga
Easy. My place. But only on Superbowl Sunday.

5. blinded by the light writer
Yeah, that Light Writer’s a bitch. He’ll zap your eyes out with his laser beans.

6. bags octopus
Nobody bags octopi like Cooter And Sons Octopus Baggers. For all your seafood bagging needs. Our Mini Squid Pockets make great stocking stuffers. Mention this ad for 10% discount.

7. wild buffalo sauce
Mmmm… A seasonal favorite:
21 lbs ground horse
6 cups pine oil
36 cups sugar
3 cups salt
15 oz hickory extract
12 lbs onions, minced
1 eye of newt or 2 eyes baby newt
Boil, stir. Serve with 1 herd chilled buffalo heads. Feeds 200.

8. extreme rubber fantasy hospital
Ah, yes. One of my favorite daytime soaps. In this week’s episodes, Ryan and Candace filed for divorce, Mrs. Carbuncle was diagnosed with uvula cancer, Kevin James learned that his favorite prostitute is actually his presumed-dead cousin and Mary-Anne’s left ear turned into a ball peen hammer. There you go. You’re caught up.

9. peter pan fucks wendy
No. No he doesn’t. Not ever. Does your mom know what you do with your computer? You really need more supervision, you little freak.

10. ottawa office slut fantasy
Wow. The perverts are finally coming out of the woodwork. Well, this is a bit too involved to share here but I can tell you it ends with Prime Minister Harper receiving a uranium enema from a 98-year-old prostitute while being asphyxiated.

11. tinkerbell and peter pan fucking
You can’t be serious. How is that even possible? No. No wait. Never mind. I don’t want to know. Just get the hell out of here.

12. Hooked on Peter Pan

Yeah. You’re not the only one, apparently.

13. john chalupka
Hi John. Long time, no see!

14. flickr crossdressers that suck on each other
Ah, thank you. A nice wholesome perversion. What a refreshing change.

15. Scott Regher
Hi Scott! Long time, no see!

16. apple annie's plains review burlington
Again, space here is limited. But here’s the speed review:
Pancakes: big ‘n fluffy.
Eggs: unfertilized.
Bacon: slippery.
Coffee: Eventually, if you’re lucky. Grounds at no extra charge.
Pubic hair: One per menu.

17. car battery to testicles car
Whatever this means – go right ahead. I’m sure it can’t go wrong.

18. famous Steve-o quotes
No problem. Coming right up…





The information provided above is correct to the best of the author’s knowledge at the time of this release. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; weight loss, weight gain, squeaky shoe, varicose veins, light bruising, delayed puberty, shopaholism, agoraphobia, nymphomania, PMS, societal delusion, flatulence, sudden blindness, China syndrome or laryngitis.

Image ungraciously ripped from www.laboutiquedelpowerpoint.com

Monday, December 24, 2007

Bed Head

Every morning I wake up with Wolverine hair.

And every morning I must look in the mirror and make a decision. Do I shower and spend the rest of the day smelling nice? Or do I not shower and spend the rest of the day looking like Wolverine?

It’s always a difficult decision and always I choose the former. But who knows? Maybe one day…

Saturday, December 22, 2007

More fun at the office


I had nothing to do with this one whatsoever. But still my name is mentioned as a collaborator. I guess I have a reputation.
!
Oh - and yes. That's a quote from Yoda painted on the wall of our office. We also have quotes from Wayne Gretzky and Jiminy Cricket on our walls. I wouldn't kid you.
!
By the way - stumbled onto this video. It’s pretty special: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/414c3861e3

Friday, December 21, 2007

Novel: To Your Scattered Bodies Go

(1971) Philipe José Farmer

The concept seemed intriguing. Every human ever having lived and died on Earth awakens all at once in a new world; a heaven consisting only of a wilderness river valley, millions of miles long. There are no modern tools or structures present but for a food delivery system resembling the replicators of Star Trek. Historical figure, adventurer Richard Burton is the lead character who sets out to solve the riddle of their new existence that has quickly turned territorial and violent.

By the end of this book his efforts have only unveiled a collection of testimony without evidence as to the validity of any of it. There are four more books in the series which apparently will add up to one complete story. Book-one on its own amounts to little. Presumably the work was split into impotent minor books for the purpose of milking profits or perhaps because the alternative - a sci-fi mega-book was not a marketable entity in the seventies.

The writing lacks the subtlety I adore but is just competent, creative and intelligent enough, and its blunders few and benign enough that I’ll give book-two, The Fabulous Riverboat a read. I’m curious enough about where this story is going.